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Published August 12, 2012 More Info »
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Published August 12, 2012

The other night while hanging out with friends, somebody asked the question;

 

If you could be stranded on a deserted island with just one person in the world who would it be?

 

One guy said Jessica Biel, another said Brooklyn Decker. Then my friend Jake said Mila Kunis, but immediately changed it to Scarlet Johannson, and then to Jessica Alba before finally settling on Pamela Anderson. Not present time Pamela, but 1996 Pamela. It was a hypothetical question, so we allowed it. Then it was my turn, and I said Bear Grylls. Everyone laughed at me and called me gay. As if my reason for selecting him was sexual. I would like to get off of this island at some point, and survive long enough to do it. Bear has the necessary skills to help me with these goals.

 

Good luck with Jessica Biel. I'm sure she has like zero survival skills. Not that you thought of that when you answered the question, you picked her because she's hot. Am I right? What do you think, she's just going to start banging you immediately when she realizes it's just you and her on this island. She will expect you to provide for her. Do you know how to build a fire without lighter fluid or a match? Do you know how to construct a spear out of bamboo to kill fish with? Bear Grylls knows how. Even if you were lucky enough to catch some fish with your bamboo spear and cook it up on your man-made fire, it probably wouldn't be good enough for her. I'm sure that she's probably a vegan. Not because of any beliefs that she has, but because it's trendy. All these Hollywood broads are vegans.

 

Now you're hiking through the woods on this strange island searching for berries, because Jessica won't eat the fish. No Sir.....Eating the fish would be mean to the fish so she can't eat the fish. Now you're lost in the woods and it's getting dark. You're scared and you keep hearing strange noises. What's that sound? What's out there? Have you ever seen "Lost", crazy shit happens on these islands. You finally stumble upon some berries, but are they the right ones? Some of the berries are poisonous and some aren't. Can you tell the difference between them? Bear Grylls can....

 

Needless to say, three weeks later and Jessica's dead, because your dumbass fed her the wrong berries. The thought of Necrophilia crosses your mind until you see coyotes ripping apart her carcass, or are they vultures. You can't tell because you're hallucinating. You haven't eaten anything in weeks. You're delusional. You weigh 90 pounds and you're talking to a volleyball.

 

Meanwhile I am sitting on my couch with a cold beer watching TV. Bear Grylls built a raft out of seashells and palm leaves that sailed us away from that god forsaken island. It feels good to be home. I'm thinking I might go to the movies tonight. There's a new one out with Jessica Biel. She's hot.

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