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May 24, 2011

If you can read, you can cook. Even if you can't read, you can still probably cook. A little.

I love people that tell me they don’t know how to cook. That’s like telling me you don’t know how to stick your finger up your butt. You might not WANT to do it, but you have the physical ability and mental capacity to do it. In cooking it’s called a “RECIPE”, from the Latin word RESPISIUS, which means “simple list of how make yourself some goddam food.”

I had a girl once tell me she didn’t know how to make scrambled eggs…which I took as a personal challenge like the Miracle Worker with Helen Keller . I ran to the kitchen and brought back my Betty Crocker Bachelor Survival Tool Kit Recipe Cards. I pulled out the recipe card for “Scrambled Eggs” and showed it to her. Then I asked her how sure she was she’d be able to find the “kitchen”.

Once in the kitchen I began reading the recipe and found it was written in a really insulting, almost degrading style… which was PERFECT for my experiment. I helped her assemble the ingredients. After we found each item on the list, I would hold her firmly by the wrist, show her the item and identify it slowly and loudly while stressing each syllable… like I was talking to a cave man. “FRY-ING PAN” “PEP-PER” “BUT-TER” “YES…BUT-TER GOOD”. 

So the first direction in the recipe is to crack the eggs into a one quart bowl and discard the shells. How fucking awesome it THAT !?! It didn’t say smash the eggs on the counter and rub the shells in your hair. NO. It gave you clear and concise directions. Crack the eggs in a BOWL (they even tell you the SIZE of the fucking bowl) and DISCARD the shells. As opposed to leaving them in the same bowl you just cracked the eggs into Genius! Add ¼ cup of milk to the bowl. Again, see? It didn’t say “pour a whole gallon of milk on the floor and stomp around in it like an angry child” Nope. It provided a specific amount of the ingredient and what to do with it. 

To make things even easier, they sell bowls and measuring cups and whisks at the grocery store. It’s not like fireworks where you have to leave the state you live in to buy a mixing bowl…they sell them at the same place you buy your Tombstone frozen pizza that you eat at 2AM when you’re fucked up. 

Now granted she got thrown by the simple verbiage “Use whisk in rapid circular motion to mix ingredients.” She started off by wildly waving the whisk over her head like she had an imaginary lasso. In her defense, the directions did not clearly state that to work properly, the whisk would need to actually be in the bowl with the ingredients…

Now oddly enough she is not returning my phone calls, but I think I made my point about the difference between the bullshit phrase “I can’t cook” and the honest phrase “I choose not to follow a simple set of directions that will result in food preparation”