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July 02, 2011

To honor the heroes of the Revolutionary War, President Obama creates the greatest holiday ever.

To honor the heroes of the American Revolution, President Obama has declared July 5, 2011, a day in which any American citizen can legally punch any British citizen in the face.

“On July 4th of 1776, America declared its independence from the British Monarch,” said the President in a White House Press briefing earlier today, “but true independence would not come without the pain and sacrifice of war.

To honor those who fought and died to free America from British Tyranny, the leaders of both houses of Congress and I have decided to officially make the day after Independence day, July 5, 2011, to be a day in which any American citizen on American soil is free to punch any subject of the British throne in the face with legal impunity.”

To emphasize his point the President then punched the palm of his left hand with his right fist, saying “Pow!”

Even more enthusiastic about the one-time holiday was Vice-President Joe Biden, who when speaking to reporters outside of his office today said that he “can’t freaking wait” to “sock a Brit bastard in the kisser.”

With an evil grin and a joyful glint in his eye that he says was inspired by “his Hibernian ancestors, who were enslaved by Oliver Cromwell,” Biden said that the endless pomposity and arrogance of the British, particularly in regard to America and its citizens deserves to be countered with “a knuckle sandwich, delivered hot and fast."

The declaration, technically a law, stipulates that British subjects have no legal right to resist or retaliate from any blow dealt by a patriotic American that day. 


 Like President Obama, Biden also followed up his words with a fist smacking the palm of his hand, only the Vice-President repeated the action several times, each punch followed by a shout of “Bang!” or “Pow!”

House speaker John Boehner, in an interview at a Georgetown nightclub with UPPI wire service reporter Tyrone Ginero said that he was “pleased as punch” about Punch-A-Limey-In-The-Face day.

“That’s punch as in a punch in the face,” said the laughing and possibly intoxicated republican, “and punch as in rum punch, which I presume we’ll all be drinking before we go Anglo-bashing.”

When informed that excessive alcohol consumption was not specified as being part of the holiday, he replied, “Then what’s the point?” Ginero says that at this point Boehner fell off of his barstool and had to be helped into a cab by four female aides.

The declaration has also been met with enthusiastic praise from such various sources as the American branch of the international writers group PEN, The Daughters Of The American Revolution, the Knights of Columbus, Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk, comedian Jerry Seinfeld and any member of a Hollywood trade union who has worked with British director Alan Parker.

Feaux News commentator Sean Hannity said of the declaration, “I’ve invited Christopher Hitchens on for a July 5th special, and hooboy, I hope he comes.”

image High school teachers throughout the United States have reported that many students forced to read Beowulf have asked if minors are allowed to participate.

Denver native Dr. Saul Topitz, a Professor of American Cultural Studies at McClovin University in Leeds, UK told Newsbeak magazine that his only regret is that the law doesn't extend to other countries, as his dealings with Britons have become so grating that he is now “a pot full of chili ready to boil over and stain the counter.”

“People hear the American accent, and then ask me what I do here,” said the angry academic, “And when I tell them they either snicker a little or just plain laugh out loud, telling me the classes must be very easy to prepare,” he said. “I just wish I could participate on the 5th.” Topitz then slammed his left fist into his right palm and shouted “bammo!” When asked why he did this, he replied, “I’m left-handed.”

In the U.K., however, the news has been greeted with less than enthusiastic responses.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron has been quoted as saying that the declaration is “regrettable,” and advises British subjects living in the U.S. to be careful with whom they associate.

A number of high-profile Britons living in the States have either already left or are planning to be out of the country on July 5th, among them CNN talk show host Piers Morgan (after threats from Madonna) and former American Idol judge and current X-Factor judge Simon Cowell (after threats from approximately 94% of the U.S. population).

“I can’t say as I’m too terribly surprised,” said noted Limey prick Morgan to Brithole Cowell in an interview two hours ago, “it’s typical of Americans to respond violently to everything and to arrogantly presume that they have a right to assault such a civilized and upstanding populace as ourselves.”
“That’s true,” responded Cowell, “but when you think about it, we really are a bunch of condescending, ethnocentric and pretentious piles of dog shitte.”