1) Hold hands at the dinner table.
I’m not talking about that romantic dinner over candlelight at a five star restaurant where a starry-eyed couple collects their hands in a lumpy pile at the center of the table. That’s fine. I’m talking, five friends out to eat, casual, having a good time. Then you look at that slightly timid couple sitting kittty-corner loosely cupping one hand together over the table, looking like they just want to sneak off and go watch Orange is the New Black. Sorry the world interrupted your love by making you come outside for two hours, but can you at least pretend to act like the friend I once had?
2) Assume you knew their partner was coming.
There’s an event - maybe a concert, maybe a movie. You invite your good friend. These plans have been made for weeks and they show up, plus one. Now don’t get me wrong, I like your mate. But we only have one ticket for you! So one of two things happen. Either we sit around all awkward until you both leave and then feel guilty, or some asshole suggests that we should all stay back since we can’t all go.
3) Say they have to ’Run it by their significant other’ before making plans.
Me: “Hey man, I’m super excited, it’s been months since I’ve been back in town. Friday night!”
Friend: “Hell yeah! I can’t wait. Just gotta run it by the lady first. Ya know, Friday’s usually date night.”
4) Ask you to lie for them.
We’ve all had a friend in a serious relationship ask us if we could, you know, not post anything on Facebook tonight, or tag them in anything. Oh really why not? Well they didn’t tell their partner they were doing said thing. Any normal, healthy person would be thrilled that their partner was having a good time, with or without them. I am forbidden from documenting my good time because you’re not allowed to have one.
5) Portray their shitty relationship as perfect on social media.
“Isn’t he perfect”
“I love this woman!”
“Isn’t she gorgeous in the morning?”
If Yelp has a review process that doesn’t let you post phony reviews then Instagram and Facebook should too. I’m the one you call when you two are fighting endlessly and “this time it’s for real.”
6) Call each other ‘husband’ and ‘wifey’ when they’re not married.
You know what I’m talking about.