Full Credits

Stats & Data

189Funny
25Die
9,746
Views
August 17, 2015
Published
Description

CNN has decided to go all in and pit the Republican candidates against each other in a series of physical challenges.

In an attempt to match the record setting ratings of the FOX GOP debate, CNN which is set to host the next debate on September 16, announced it would use an American Ninja Warrior format.

“And by format I mean a giant bad ass testy tingling obstacle course” said CNN head of programming Ted Ronna.

Each of the candidates will run through the course and those that complete it will be allowed to give a thirty second statement about their policy positions (time permitting).

“The salmon ladder is a always a killer” said Dag Thomas, a rock climber and political analyst for Funny or Die. “I think Marco Rubio and Rand Paul have a shot. But watch out for Ted Cruz. Some people think he had all of his nerve endings disconnected and that’s a huge advantage.”

Topics that are expected to be divisive for the debate include immigration, women’s reproductive rights and whether or not to go for an early dismount after the arch of door handles obstacle.

Donald Trump has been open about his planned use of steroids for the debate slash obstacle course.

“This is America. We do what it takes to win. I haven’t bent over to put my shoes on in thirty years. Bennie does that for me. So will I take roids? Fuck yeah.” Trump screamed for no reason “I’m taking mountain gorilla adrenaline injections and eating the reproductive organs of a Bull Shark every day with my breakfast. I’ll be able to tear a phone book in half when I’m done with this shit you fucking pussy.”

Rumors of more ratings friendly formats are already swirling about future debates. The November Fox Business/WSJ debate is rumored to be a Big Brother format debate with candidates living in a house together for a month.

“We hope they are plenty of hooks up, gossip and a few great fights over who ate the last of the peanut butter” said Roger Ailes. “And then we pick our candidate for the most powerful position in the world.”

Advertisement
Advertisement