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July 01, 2016
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These poor dads are having a difficult time talking about teen girls in bikinis.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant announced that they are replacing the swimsuit portion of the competition with an “athletic wear” event. The move received almost universal praise. We asked a bunch of dads how they felt about it.


Oh, the beauty pageant with the teen girls isn’t doing swimsuits anymore? That’s great. My wife likes to watch that show. It made me feel so uncomfortable to see underage girls up on that stage in bikinis. Uh, shoot, what I mean to say is, they weren’t like, turning me on or anything, I just don’t think young girls should be exposed like that on tv because…because…hold on, let me think…


What’s wrong with the bikini contest? Why do we always have to go around changing everything? And who cares if men like to look at women in bikinis? Is it so wrong if I watch a beauty pageant because I like beautiful women? What’s that? It’s Miss Teen USA? Like, 18 and 19, right? No, like 15? Like my daughter’s age? Fuck.


No swimsuits, huh? Good. I wouldn’t want my daughter parading around onstage in a bikini so guys at home watching tv can just masturbate to her. Not that I’m doing that. I’m not doing that, I’m just guessing some guys do that. But just to clarify, not me.


Why’d they get rid of the swimsuits? What was wrong with swimsuits? I mean, they’re teenagers, it’s not like they’re fully developed. Oh shit, I mean…I don’t actually know, I’m just guessing. I really have no idea. I’ve never once looked at my daughter, except directly in the eyes to tell her I’m proud of her. I don’t even like swimsuits on anyone! Swimsuits are gross.


Sure, that sounds like a good decision. Or maybe instead of eliminating the bikinis, they also make young boys wear bikinis? If the young boys also walk around stage half naked, then it’s more fair. Wait…no…I don’t mean I want to see young boys in bikinis, I just thought it would be more fair if they also…dammit.


How do I feel about teenage girls and bikinis? Is this a trap? This feels like a trap. I’m a middle-aged man. There is literally no opinion I can have about teenagers in bikinis that comes off well. How do I know that? Five words: talent show, daughter, bikini, PTA.

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