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March 09, 2015

All the hottest updates from Apple's Keynote.

Today Apple held their long-awaited Keynote in which they unveiled the Apple Watch, a new, redesigned MacBook, and more. Here are some of the other product updates you may have missed:

  • Apple Watch’s touch interface makes it the first watch that can reverse time
  • New mouse pad capable of achieving climax if fingered just right
  • Battery life now has meaning
  • New Apple Wardrobe lets you dress like the stylish gray-haired men who speak at Apple Keynotes
  • MacBooks will no longer have fans and will also now be called “The New York Knicks”
  • We weren’t watching that closely but it looks like the iPhone cures Parkinson’s
  • New MacBook has single, cloaca-like hole, just like a duck
  • Health App automatically shares details of your slothful lifestyle with doctors so future generations can avoid destroying their bodies like you have
  • New MacBook comes in “space gray,” “space gold,” and “space regular-MacBook-color”
  • New back-lit LED keyboard allows for easy typing of porn search terms in basement apartments with cardboard over the windows
  • You can spill water on MacBooks now and they’ll work just fine, even the ones you already own — go ahead, try it!
  • Apple Watch starts at $399, or five cereal box tops
  • Get HBO NOW and no need to buy cable! Get new MacBook and have to buy, like, 12 different cables.

Photo: Reuters/Robert Galbraith