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September 03, 2016

There's a lot of talk about what goes into becoming the next IT programmer, but what about the people who sell those products? Here are some do's and don'ts of making it in IT Sales

The Do’s And Don'ts Making It In IT Sales

By JP Steve “Henry Ford” Jobs Rockefeller Morgan III

(But that’s MISTER JP Steve “Henry Ford” Jobs Rockefeller Morgan III to you little piss ant)

1. Update Your LinkedIn Photo At Least Twice A Day

This is really for the men, because if you’re a female applying for a sales job in the IT industry, you should be looking at another list altogether (hint: pick up a Cosmo mag, go to “Sex Tips” section, call me tomorrow night). We want honest, mature reps on our team. Nobody wears a suit and tie throughout the day. So for example, in the morning I expect a “just got out of bed” rumpled-look photo (but not too rumpled, look professional). Later maybe an after-work gym photo (where you better be sweating a fuck ton, just so I know you’re not some pussy, but look professional).

2. When friends tag you in inappropriate pictures/posts, kill them

Or just pay someone to do it, geez. Most importantly, stop being a little bitch. Your name is your brand, so always keep that in mind. Even if you have to switch brands with Tony Soprano temporarily, so be it. You can’t have your reputation being ruined by those two hot chicks and their one mediocre-looking friend at the bar peer pressuring you into doing way more belly shots than your lightweight, feather-ass could take. Look, years ago those brainy guys at Xerox were able to create a brilliant research facility (PARC) just so that your journey to being a little bitch could just a little less arduous. I know you don’t have a 10th of their brainpower, but I’m confident there is at least one “don’t be a bitch” neuron buried deep beneath all the idiocy nerves pulsing through your bitch-ass body.

3. Have your cell with you at all times

And not just one cell. Have two backup cells. Customers and I need to be able to reach you AT ALL TIMES. One stapled to your face, the other to your asshole if that works. It doesn’t actually have to be stapled to your asshole you moron– it can be stapled to your penis for all I care. It basically needs to be somewhere that you will be conscious of AT ALL TIMES (if you have problems with this one refer back to number 2 about the crucial, utmost importance of not being such a little bitch). Have you ever seen Wolf of Wallstreet? That guy probably had at least 20 phones on him, you just didn’t notice because you were paying too much attention to Martin Scorcese’s brilliant camera work or some pussy artsy-fartsy thing like that. Yeah I said fartsy, but who cares? I have a lot more money than you so I can say whatever the hell I want.

4. Don’t post anything on social media from The Atlantic or The New Yorker or The New York TImes or…

Yes, a lot of people live on the East Coast, but not all of your customers are going to be under the devil’s influence of what that great American Ted Cruz condemned as “New York Values.” Don’t even “like” anything from these “oh my God-isn’t-really-real WAL-MART SUCKS” and “women aren’t respected in the workplace blah blah blah publications. Especially nothing from Ta-Nehisi Coates (if you don’t know who that is, don’t Google it, because if his name shows up in your browser history, and it sounds really terrorist-y …) If it the writer has hyphens in their name that’s never a good sign, or if they have one of those names that sound too Muslim-y. You know what I mean. Obviously I’m not going to hire any fucking terrorists or ISIS supporters. But don’t take too strong of a stance against ISIS. Some of your customers might be ISIS supporters, so you need to be respectful of that (see #7). If they ask you for servers to explore their “deep web” objectives, don’t be a pussy and alert the feds. Sales is all about dollar signs.

5. Update Your LinkedIn Photo Three Times A Day

Look, this is the fucking IT industry. I know I said “Two Times” before but you got to keep up, things in IT change even faster than a millisecond. Which brings me to my next point (which will only appear in a newly invented Font that is invisible to little bitches.)

6. Stay Up To Date

Your mom is a whore. Oh shit, you can see this? Well I can’t do anything about the whorish ways of your mom, but at least you just confirmed that you are not a little bitch. Congratulations! (By the way, this new invisible font is called “Courier Knew How To Get Your Mom’s Panties Off.” Because like I said, and it brings me much sadness to say this, but there is no hope for your mom to be nothing but a whore. Don’t cry son! There is money to be made here in this Silicon Valley. And I don’t mean your whore mom’s everyone-can-fucking-tell-they’re-fake silicon tits either. To my next point.

7. Never write anything half-way misogynistic/racist/prejudice/offensive

That speaks for itself. IT Sales Reps should be professional at all times. But don’t be too opinionated either. Who cares that Donald Trump has never told a true statement in his entire life, and somehow thinks that he has the power to tell an entirely separate country to build a wall, when he couldn’t even successfully sell Trump Steaks. And who cares that Hilary is well…Hilary. Just keep your mouth shut if it doesn’t have anything to do with making money, and I don’t mean through insanely overpaid speaking arrangements or reality television.

8. Don’t accept the first offer

If you follow all of these rules faithfully, I or some other like-minded authority will make you an offer, but not like an offer you can’t refuse in some scary Godfather way. Lighten up! This is the IT industry! Have fun! But actually do refuse the first offer, because how can I trust you to make huge transactions when you get excited that easily? I mean, what do you do when you’re at the grocery store and you see a picture of Kate Moss on those magazine racks they keep next to the cash registers? Do you buy it, or wait until you get home in a private setting where you can look at all the Google Images you want. But don’t actually decline my offer either, because I might just get pissed off, decide I’d rather look at Kate Moss pictures than speak with you, and take it away from you.