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Published June 12, 2008 More Info »
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Published June 12, 2008

I decided my final post will be "Fun with Emails." Here are some of my fave recent email exchanges.

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My friend Rob lives in LA but needed to find a place to stay for a few days while he was in NYC. Since I live in NYC and am currently in LA he thought he could stay at my place. And he sent me the following email.

Jerkie, How long are you in LA? What if I needed a place to stay in NY next week? What if? Did you leave a bunch of dildos out?

Ha ha. Rob is really funny. Dildos! I told him he could stay at my place and I would get him keys. LITTLE DOES ROB know, but I actually had to arrange a dildo sweep. I have a friend grabbing my mail and I called him and instructed him to take any and all sex toys from the side of the bed and hide them. And he did.

I don't want you to think I am some kind of perv but yes I have a couple dildos, a vibrator, and maybe some lube...and handcuffs, a fuck swing, nipple clamps, a Smurf costume, a first edition of M. Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage" (for masturbation purposes only), a ball gag - wait two ball gags, anal beads, a autographed picture of Richard Nixon and a lifetime supply of female condoms. I am a single gal! What do you want?

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Have you ever had to send an email like this during a business exchange?

Amy, In my previous email I accidentally attached an application for "American Gladiators." Please disregard.
Yikes. I am an official idiot.
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The following email exchange took place between me and my sister while I was having my period (sorry fellas): JACKIE TO ALI:

I HAVE THE WORST CRAMPS!!!!!!! I had to tell someone that. Thank you

ALI TO JACKIE:

I will be out of the office starting 05/22/2008 and will not return until 05/28/2008. Please contact Tanya Dole for assistance at ext 44869

Let me tell you something, Tanya did not care about my cramps.

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My sister sent me this email last summer. I have not changed any of her email. Ray is her boyfriend. Enjoy, I know I did.

"So I went golfing this past weekend and was ejected from the golf cart and was badly hurt. Ray will pay for this tragedy. My arm is all screwed up and pussing and gross. But I never lost my beer-flying thru the air, sliding down the fairway-I held that beer."
I see it as a story of inspiration. My sister, in a moment of panic of real danger knows what is important in life. I asked my sister for permission to post her email and she said no. She is still mad that I posted the fact that she takes a poo sometimes with a cat sitting in her lap. But then she relented, probably knowing I would post it anyway. But she said she wanted me to know the whole story. Which follows:

"I had planned this golf outing for my company. Tee time was at 9:03. So of course we have to get up super early and I invited Ray cuz i was short a person. The night before the cat (the one you previously wrote about) got out again and was gone for like 9 hrs. so needless to say I had only slept for an hour and a half. So everyone meets at my house and we are already drinking at 8:00 am. (Except Ray) So we get there and everything is great. We're at the 7th hole and Ray says, "Honey why don't you ride with me?" So I grab my beer and get in. So he's driving and all is good and then he decides that he is gonna turn it up a notch and starts driving crazy and takes this SHARP right turn. I go FLYING out of the cart-beer and all- flying thru the air and slide down the fairway on my stomach. My left arm stretched out holding my beer, I finally stop sliding and I still had the beer. I stood up and the beer can was like...dented from me gripping it so tightly. The worst is that other people from the company saw this Blue thing (ME) flying thru the air and were dying laughing. Like I said earlier- my arm is awful and infected and pussing and throbbing."

Ray also puked on my sister a couple of years ago. He's a real catch.

***

I am sad I didn't post any pix in this post.  So I will leave you with and actual photo of a Huckabee supporter.

From Reuters:

Supporters of former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee attend their candidate's New Hampshire primary night rally in Manchester January 8, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria (UNITED STATES)


Now I know why Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution.

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