The following is a letter that I sent to R.L. Stine in the mail.
Dear R.L. Stine,
My name is Scott Thompson and I am a huge, huge fan of you and your work. I owned the entire Goosebumps collection as a little kid and I read those suckers all the time. If I had to choose a favorite Goosebumps book I would choose all of them. Unless I was threatened with violence in which case I would say it is #16 One Day at Horrorland. Reading your novels has been so inspiring. In fact, your books have single-handedly made me want to become a writer. As my favorite author of all time, I wanted to write you not only to tell you how much I enjoy your work but also to ask if you wouldn’t mind sharing a few tips with an aspiring literary artist. Just a few tips on how to write! I have included a few specific questions for you. Here we go:
- How do you draw all the letters? I believe this will be my biggest obstacle as these are what you use to form words. The “e” looks especially intricate. I have come to realize that I will not only have to learn to draw this complex figure but also replicate it 8, maybe 9 times over the course of an article/novel. Do you have any tricks for consistency?
- What do I use to write with? I have heard some pretty good things about pens and pencils. What would you say is the major difference between the two? I am not what you would call a “handyman” or “tech savvy”… would mechanical pencils still be a viable option for me?
- Do you grip the pencil with 2 hands or 3 hands?
- What do I write ON? There are rumors that paper is made out of murdered trees. If this is the case I am NOT ok with that. Can I just write over books that are already made? Like with white-out and stuff? Like book recycling. I have a bunch of Lemony Snicket books I can use. It’s ok they are nothing to WRITE home about anyway (writing joke). But for real that dude is a chump.
- How many words are there in the English language at any given time? Just want to become familiar with my aresenal.
- If I crumple the page a little bit or get some barbeque Pringle stuff on there do I have to start over? Because I’m going to eat Pringles when I write, that is what is going to happen. It is non-negotiable so if you are planning on talking me out of it you can forget it.
- What is this “i before e” business I keep hearing about? Is that a hoax or what. It is possible that I am remembering the alphabet incorrectly but if that is the case then I was way off.
- Are there any safety concerns to writing? How about hand cramps? Should I wear like a glove or something? You know what, this glove actually looks awesome so I am just going to wear it.
- Mark Twain once said “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is… the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” What the heck is with that guy?
- Forget the pen/pencil question, I found a nudie pen. It is awesome and I am using it.
- How do you correctly spell the word “pantaloons”? Will I need to use that word when penning a novel?
- My hand is getting hot why the heck did you tell me to wear this glove.
- What is the most manly name you can think of for a male protagonist? I am thinking either “Jormny” or “Hermlin” but I am open to hearing other angles on this.
- Ayn Rand?
These are just a few questions I could cook up real quick but if you have any other info that you think would be helpful then shoot it my way bucko. Let’s get this literary train rolling. Proot Proot! (I don’t know what sound trains make.)
Your friend in literature,