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April 20, 2015

This is another article where I write about how I don't want to be doing this right now!

Hey guys! I’m the curmudgeon who wrote “An Article From The Guy Who Doesn’t Want to Be Doing This Right Now” on St. Patrick’s Day when we all had to work drunk. Well guess what I’m BACK and my attitude is EVEN SHITTIER. (Comedy Lesson: Always Highten)

I’ve been even less excited for 4/20 than I was for St. Patricks Day. I just don’t like smoking weed. And the idea that we have to simply cause it’s 4/20 is so cheesy. 420 is cause of like police code or penal code or something right? I wish they picked a number like 132 so it would be impossible to turn it into a date. If you wanna smoke you definitely should — just don’t it for the sole reason of it being April 20. Same with drinking! Fuck St. Patricks Day.

I’m determined to enjoy myself though! I refuse to have a bad attitude plus I ended up having a great time on Drunk Day! And everyone else already seems to be enjoying themselves so that’s pretty trill. I’m gonna be a good sport about this (Comedy Lesson: SAY YES YOU GUYS!)

Since I started this article a dog has been brought in the office so if that doesn’t prove the theory of magical thinking, I don’t know what does. Maybe Batkid? This is great. The dog’s great. So here’s the plan you guys — we gotta pitch stuff in a few minutes and I’m gonna pitch an episode of recap of The Simpsons Season 8 Episode 6 “A Milhouse Divided.” That way, I get to relax and watch The Simpsons Season 8 Episode 6 “A Milhouse Divided.” (Comedy Lessons: Simpsons the best comedy)

In case you’re bored of reading poorly written high articles, here is something from every 4/20 participant where they’re NOT STONED and at, in my opinion, the top of their game.

In the order of who sits nearest to me to who sits furthers from me:

Zack Poitras: Pangea 3000’s Rib Sketch
Pat O’Brien: My Dad The Girl Bike
Jason Flowers: 30 Minutes of Killer Mike Chanting “Fuckboy” (sic)
Jenny Nelson: Her old band.
Matt Mayer: Shit New Yorkers Say
Jesse Neil: His very good Twitter
Melinda Taub: The Wikipedia Entry for Guam, Retold as a YA Novel
Matt Klinman: “I Got The Swimsuit Issue Cover By Making It Look Like I’m About to Show My Pussy” An Interview with Hannah Davis
John Harris: How To Make Tax Day Pie
Dan Abramson: Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr’s Text Message Conversation After “That Catch”
Nate Maggio: Real Jason Flower
Kyle Kirkup: The new branding on the Real This Now
Natasha Dunnoherlastname: Funny or Die Presents: The FIRST* Digital Advent Calendar (WARNING: NOT TOPICAL)
Abby Kallgren: What Is America’s Spookiest Sound (THIS IS STILL TOPICAL CAUSE MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED)

I hope you read/watch/listen to all of those. Everyone who works here is great. Plus every one of those links is 10,000% better than THIS piece of shit article. This article didn’t even really have any jokes really! For that I’m sorry but I’m just not one of those guys who gets funnier when he’s stoned. I just feel dumb and more self-conscious.

In closing, I don’t think Robert Durst did it. He just doesn’t strike me as a killer. And we just don’t have all the facts. But I’m very excited to see this girl at Governor’s Ball!

Since I’ve started this article pitch meeting has started and ended. That’s how long it’s taking me to type this. Simpsons pitch when over like gangbusters and I think the whole team is gonna watch it with me. HERE’S THE SECRET I’M NOT TELLING ANYONE THOUGH: I’m not gonna fully enjoy watching The Simpsons when I know I have to write the recap afterwards. I wanna do the work FIRST and then watch the episode as my reward. So I’m gonna do the recap NOW just from memory and THEN actually watch the episode. Heheheh Scollins you old dog!