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September 24, 2015

Each week we’re just going to do the best we can to keep up with Queen Cookie.

If there was one thing that 2015 taught us it was that Cookie is Queen. So for the second season of Empire, FOD has decided to keep track of all the ways Cookie is amazing each week. Since it will be impossible to get them all, each week we’re just going to do the best we can to keep up with the Queen.

1. There is no more Taraji. It’s only Cookie now.

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Boom! Right off the bat, three days before the premiere, there was this startlingly awkward moment at the Emmys. Taraji no longer exists; Cookie has taken full hold of her mortal host and Cookie is now in control. I don’t care if you’re Lucious or Terrence, don’t kiss Cookie on the cheek and then read her awards envelope. Back up!

2. Shut up, Hakeem!

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OK. Now to the show. We’re not even one minute in when Hakeem starts showing some weakness and, “Shut up! You’re just mad because he chose Jamal over you.” Anything else to say, Hakeem? I didn’t think so … Well, he did say some stuff, but then Cookie called Lucious a TAMPON. A TAMPON. Oh my god. There is no one better than this person.

3. Side. Boob. All. Day.

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That’s the coolest side boob I’ve ever seen. I had no idea that outfit could do that. Cookie did, though. Cookie did.

4. Cookie has no time for Hilary Clinton right now.

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If you didn’t know, Bill Clinton NEEDS to be at this show if he wants his wife to get elected. If you were wondering.

5. COOKIE was the one in the gorilla suit!?

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I just yelled, “WHAT!?” way too loud. I assumed that was a background dancer, a skilled mascot actor. In no scenario did I think that was going to be Cookie.

6. “How much longer?! How much longer?!”

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I’m not joking, Cookie should run for office. She would be the most effective politician in the history of history.

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That was an insane cold open. Surely there will be a few minutes before—

7. Shaaaaaaaaaaaaade.

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Nevermind! Cookie just seamlessly bailed on Al Sharpton for Andre Leon Talley who immediately got eyes thrown at him that sent him back to Cosmo (that’s an in-joke for people who know stuff about the fashion publishing world.)

8. Cookie doesn’t adhere to your sexual boundaries.

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Cookie is throwing some form of sex(y) party for Marisa Tomei, who it seems like she might sleep with and then she kisses her in front of her two sons like NBD, I’m living MY life.

9. If you’re gonna do it, do it right.

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She just said, “You can’t even dyke right.” She just said it. Like, sometimes I say, “Hey, good morning!” But she said, “You can’t even dyke right.”

10. Brad Pitt got mad, but Cookie gets even.

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There was a head in a box, Se7en style, and Cookie seemed more annoyed than anything.

11. Two slaps, one Jamal.

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OK, Jamal, one slap is because she’s your mom and mom’s get to do that. The second slap was from America, because NO ONE talks to Cookie like that, bro. (But also, listen Jamal, you’ve had a hard time and I think you have a good heart and I feel like this is going to work out. I believe in you.)

That was truly mind-blowing. See you next week. In Cookie We Trust.