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July 16, 2013

When I wrote this last May, it was relevant and hilarious.

Gary Butcher, a studio executive at 20th Century Fox, faces a long road of derision and ridicule in Hollywood after accidentally approving a film project entitled Abraham Lincoln vs. Predator.

Butcher, who asked not to be identified by name, claims the fateful decision was the result of faulty lenses on his bifocals.

“Apparently I misread the whole project," said Butcher. "I remember straining my eyes and thinking that Abraham Lincoln vs. Prejudice was an odd title for a Lincoln biopic. And that the way the writer described Abe’s Confederate adversaries was wildly inaccurate. But after skimming the synopsis I figured, what the hell. At least it doesn’t say anything about vampires. I hate vampires.”

Butcher was prompted to read the entire script after he had it fast-tracked to Fox's production offices, but by then it was too late. "Once the papers are signed, we have to make the movie. Same thing happened with Daredevil in 2002. Thought I was greenlighting the life story of Evel Knievel."

Butcher plans to sue Lenscrafters for $60 million to cover the studio’s total estimated loss after the production & release of ALvP. “We’ve somehow already lost $9 million on the project, despite it being greenlit only 18 hours ago,” said Butcher. “Still trying to figure that one out. I’ve also gotten a number of hateful emails from Lincoln enthusiasts, Predator fanboys, and of course PETA representatives. You know, because of the whole shark rape scene. Ah wait … damn, I suppose you wouldn’t know about that yet. Please don’t print that.”

Not much else is known about the plot of the historical / science fiction mashup film, other than the fact that it’s just … just awful.

So awful, in fact, that Simon Laskowitz - another Fox studio executive - has already approved a behind-the-scenes documentary film detailing the disastrous production of ALvP.

“Many of us see this as an opportunity,” said Laskowitz. “Look, thanks to Butcher we’re already locked in to producing what might be the worst action mashup script I’ve seen since Gremlins of the Caribbean. But we have the good fortune of knowing we’re making a flop, before production even begins. It’s like knowing about a train wreck before it happens. What do you do? You set up cameras ahead of time, get the whole thing on film.”

The studio is looking to begin the documentary process immediately. “We’ve already started rolling cameras in Butcher’s office,” said Laskowitz. “I’ve seen some preliminary footage, it’s hilarious. This doc is gonna make us a lot of money.”

We spoke with Phil Frickle, the screenwriter responsible for adapting Abraham Lincoln vs. Predator from his own unpublished novel of the same name.

“When I got the phone call that my script was getting made,” recalled Frickle, “I immediately put the rest of my Carl’s Jr. Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger in the fridge, ran over to my ex-girlfriend’s house, pounded furiously on her front door for about 25 minutes, realized she wasn’t home, and walked back and finished my burger. She follows me on Twitter though, she’ll find out. Then she’ll be sorry she dumped me. Like, super sorry.”

Frickle says the inspiration for ALvP came to him at a Halloween party where he witnessed a drunk man dressed as Predator spilling his mojito on a man dressed as Abe Lincoln.

“Abe was pissed at first,” said Frickle. “But Predator apologized, and they parted ways. I was the guy next to them shouting ‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’ … because I wanted them to fight. They didn’t, so I went home and wrote about them fighting. Boo-yah.”

Abraham Lincoln vs. Predator is currently scheduled for a straight-to-bargain-bin release in the Spring of 2014.