Hey, you remember last year’s Christmas? No? That’s because it was boring. Perhaps even painful. Boring and painful, like a root canal you had to pay $1500 for out of pocket that took 5 hours. Boring, painful and indistinguishable from the several hundreds of millions of other Christmas celebrations going on around the world inside warm yet boring family gatherings.
If you have a family you honestly don’t want to be around for the holidays, here’s my tip: make up a lie and get out of it. Go to Vegas or where ever accessible that’s known for being a party place, no matter how artificial and soul-less it looks there. Go there. Go there to escape this forced, pretend family gathering that’s done out of conformity to a holiday for a religion/culture you don’t even really identify with. That’s just my idea. Consider me the little cartoon devil on your shoulder, whispering that you have other options. That you are not stuck. That the grass is greener and more fuckable on the other side of the fence so long as you have the balls to jump over it and go after what you truly want.
On the flip side, if you love your family, if you’re the man of the household and you genuinely enjoy hanging out with your wife and kids and relatives and in-laws or whatever, then that’s all good and wholesome. Good on you for being well-adjusted and healthy. Have at it.
But if you’re single, and you’ve got an unquenchable thirst for novelty, pussy and novel pussy—everything that can be neatly packaged under the word “hedonism”—then you should do something exciting this year for Christmas. Keep in mind you’re getting double value because where ever you choose to go for Christmas, you can stay there into New Years, too. And that’s an even better holiday with more opportunity to get hot new ass. The kind of ass attached to luscious red lips that go “woooo!” at the mere sight of champagne. The kind of ass that’s neatly packaged in a tight, revealing dress that screams “I’m horny, fuck me”.
Be honest with yourself: look back on your experiences, then see what you want to do differently for this upcoming Christmas and New Years holiday break. I’ll tell you for sure that my best holiday memories involved raw monkey sex with some girl I just met. The kind of sex that would make grandmothers and chimpanzees blush. The kind of sex that would get a dude banned from a hotel because of complaints from other rooms about the hours of loud, inconsiderate moaning and screaming.
For those of you who humored me this far and are convinced, here’s my Holiday Sex Guide: Christmas 2013 Edition. Enjoy:
1. Make up an excuse to get out of being with your family. Say you have to work or whatever to meet a deadline or you’ll get canned for sure. If you actually have work, cancel on them. Request extra days off if you expect you’ll need more time devoted to debauchery.
2. Choose where you want to go. Review options. Find out about the best parties and events. Book flight and hotel arrangements ASAP. Use airbnb if you want to avoid hotels or if rooms are all booked.
3. Bring suits, or at the very least a blazer and some dark-wash jeans. White dress shirts or a V-neck t-shirt for the casual. A scarf if you expect it to be cold.
4. Arrive. Get settled in to your room and relax. Explore the area. Indulge in great food and drinks. Pick up some wine, bubbly and tasty snacks to stock your room with. I always go with charcuterie and various French cheeses.
5. Go to the holiday events you’re interested in. Be creative. There’s always something going on where women are in attendance, and the women who are out on Christmas and New Years Eve are the ones who share the same goal as you: avoid family, drink, dance and indulge in wild sex.
6. Luxuriate, either by yourself or the friends you invited along. Enjoy the moments, take in what it feels like to be free. You earned this. Feel out the scene and find the women you find most attractive. Approach them. Don’t be shy. That will get you no where. Approach, chat, be casual, and keep dropping hints that tonight is the night to get laid, and you’re the guy she will do it with.
7. Eventually you will find the girls or they’ll find you. These are the ones who are down to go back to your room for more drinks and to fuck. Invite them back. Tell them you have bubbly or whatever else you like to enjoy recreationally. It’s as simple as that.
This guide is more about freedom and enjoying your life the way you want than it is about sex. It’s about breaking out of the norm, doing what would be most pleasurable and relaxing to you, instead of just obediently doing what you’re expected. Because that’s boring and you don’t want to be some 80 year old looking back on your life only to see that you never took any risks or did anything exciting. As the hip hop artists say: YOLO.