the tips of my fingers are numb. with every drag on my cigarette that pins-and-needles feeling pulses stronger and i know i'm only still able to hold the cancer stick because of muscle memory. i look at the yellowed edges of my fingernails and the idea of quitting momentarily crosses my mind. i take another drag.
some white, TV judge is handing down his verdict against a poor old woman whose been stealing from the motel she works for. the woman stole more than $20,000 but the TV courts aren't allowed to pay out more than $5,000 (or something like that). so, after his judgement the man on the bench berates the plantiff for bringing the case to his nationally syndicated television program. "If you had really cared about the money or your business you would have filed a REAL civil lawsuit for the full amount she stole", the judge tells the pompous, fat asshole who was just awarded $5,000 he obviously doesn't need, "but you decided it was more important to get on TV, so congratulations, you just lost $15,000." the fat man smiles like he's about to shit himself but doesn't want anyone to know and the judge just grunts and leaves the 'courtroom' before his 'bailiff' can get out all the standard pleasentries that usually accompany a judge leaving the bench.
i usually love these TV court shows. Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown are my personal favorites, but they aren't on yet. right now it's just this big white guy who seems to be ruining the illusion of justice with brutal honesty and his own cynisism. i don't want to see that. i already know that these shows are a sham and most of the people on them and in the audience are actors just wanting their 15 seconds of fame. and the rest are just supposed to be the highest functioning retards our society allows to wander the streets unsupervised.
but now it seems that it has also become the white trash chic way of humiliating someone in public...kind of like politics, or celebrity gossip shows, or the evening news. if the bastards have gotten to the TV court shows we know the end is coming soon.
oh, right, 12/12/2012
i sigh and change the channel to a painfully fuzzy soap opera...name indeterminent...not that it matters, it's just background noise. i stub out my lung snack and pick up the hash pipe, staring into the fuzz surrounding some chiseled jawed hunk as i spark and inhale...exhale...and repeat. leaning back on my couch i wiggle my tingling fingertips, trying to get the blood flowing to them. while they're wiggling they reach out and grab another cigarette. spark...light...inhale...exhale.
i realize i'm hungry and start to stand up and head for the kitchen. the movement forces a fart out of me and i linger in place to see if it smells...nope, but one of the next ones will, so i'd better take that shit soon or it's not going to be a fun morning. but first things first. food.
i make oatmeal with three tablespoons of brown sugar and god only knows how many chocolate chips heaped on top. pour some whole milk on it and i'm good to go. back to the fuzzy TV. but i'm not paying attention, i'm more focused on trying to keep milk from running off the spoon and down my chin. it's not as if i care for any asthetic reason...no one will see me today, no one is trying to kiss me, i have no reason to impress. i only care because i don't want it to get sticky in my beard...that itches, and i don't have enough motivation to wash myself today, so i'd just be itchy, and that sucks.
i do love days like this, though. when i have no responsibilities. it's so rare to come across a 9 hour period of my life where i don't have a single obligation. i don't even know how to occupy myself without some planned activity. so i end up watching daytime TV and eating food worse than the bowel movement festering in my colon. i'm shoveling oatmeal into my mouth when i stare at my xbox controller, wondering if that's the road to entertainment.
milk dribbles off the spoon and down my chin. "Fuck", i say outloud...to no one.