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Published January 14, 2014 More Info »
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Published January 14, 2014

Just mere moments after experimental Swedish womb transplants were publicized, Texas lawmakers passed a state law that prohibited any further surgeries of the sort from taking place. The surgery was carried out on nine women in Sweden, one of many European nations with laws against surrogacy. The surgery would potentially allow women whose are unable to naturally bear children to carry a child to term.

Seemingly unaware of the fact that any laws passed in Texas would not be valid or enforced in Sweden, the law, championed by Governor Rick Perry, was passed with a sweeping 19-10 vote on Monday, January 14th in Houston, Texas.

“We aren’t sure entirely what they were saying in Sweden words, but I know how to say the word ‘uterus’ in 18 different languages. As soon as I heard one of my no-no words, I knew it was time to shut that surgery down,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, one of the crusaders of the famed law that condoned the closing of over thirty clinics that carried out legal abortions throughout Texas.

“Look, I stopped listening after the word uterus, okay? If a lady wants to have a baby, she has to do it on my terms. If there’s one person who is qualified to speak on the intricacies of childbirth, it’s gotta be me,” stated the governor, who, as a male, is physically unable to conceive a child or carry it to term.

“If a woman is born without a womb, then she can’t have an abortion. If we can prevent even one abortion by passing this law, I’ll know it was worth it,” Governor Perry mused between handfuls of Cheetos. “I haven’t gotten a chance to read up on the surgery, but it sounds confusing and dumb also.”

The governor also expressed concerns regarding the safety of the women who received the surgery, even though all nine women are currently in stable condition. “To my knowledge, scientists aren’t even sure where the uterus is on the human body. Do we want to spend taxpayer dollars trying to find and replace a scary lady part when there are abortion clinics that still need to be converted into churches? I mean, does anyone even really know what a uterus is? I, for one, have no idea, and I will not allow scientists to go on a wild goose chase,” remarked Perry, a man who has power over literally millions of women’s bodies.  

Sources reported that during both discussion and voting, Wendy Davis was tied to a chair in an unmarked warehouse, unable to voice her concern over the law’s passing. Governor Perry was unable to be reached for comment regarding the Senator’s whereabouts.