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November 16, 2015

Fifteen years ago Tom Brady sold his soul to the devil so that he would never age and that Peyton would age for him, and I'm going to prove it.

This weekend Peyton Manning got the record for most all-time career passing yards. But four interceptions later Peyton got benched as his body was falling apart. Meanwhile, in New York, Tom Brady managed another insane comeback win while maintaining his perfect skin. How is that possible? I know.

Fifteen years ago Tom Brady sold his soul to the devil so that he would never age and instead Peyton Manning would age and fade in his place. Peyton Manning is Tom Brady’s picture of Dorian Gray. I realized it this weekend when someone told me Peyton and Brady were the same age and I was like, damn, Peyton looks, like, way older. And since this revelation I have not slept, and I’ve eaten nothing but coffee and Fig Newtons in an effort to bring you the truth. This theory is full proof. It’s only a theory the same way scientists say “The theory of gravity.” It is undeniable.

Let’s look at the facts: Peyton Manning is 39 years old but looks 54. Tom Brady is 38 years old but looks 23. Isn’t that convenient? Fifteen years on either end. But this moves beyond simple math. And it goes all the way to the top.

I asked the legal team here at Funny Or Die if I could put up side-by-side pictures of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Because when you see them side by side it’s honestly the only proof you need. But they told me that the NFL won’t “legally let me use those photos for this article,” which can only mean one thing: The NFL has been aware of this conspiracy for years. They’re already onto me. So I drew a pretty accurate sketch that does just as good a job at proving it:


I gave Peyton a goatee cause I think he should grow one.

But just in case that doesn’t convince you I strongly encourage you to take a look at this picture (fuck it I am going out on a limb and potentially ruining my professional reputation by RIPPING AN IMAGE FROM THE INTERNET):


I refuse to link to the image since the NFL might trace me back but this is the link. Copy and paste it if you want to: http://www.obnoxiousbostonfan.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Big-BRady.png

You look at that and then you look me in the eyes and tell me Tom Brady isn’t an ageless, evil genius or that Peyton doesn’t look like an uncle of five. And look at what Peyton used to look like:


Source: https://livingisaprocess.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/peyton-drafted.jpg

Insane right? The only people who age that fast are presidents and Robert Redford. But after another pot of coffee and four packages of Newtons I dove even deeper. And this has got roots.

MORALITY: Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend for a supermodel and he’s won four Super Bowls.The worst thing Peyton Manning ever did was get involved with Papa John, and now he can’t feel his fingers. There is karmic order in the universe, and this doesn’t add up.

GENETICS. Some people just look older. I have basically been a 30-year-old for the past 15 years, and I just turned 30 this year. So maybe Peyton is just one of those people who age a little less gracefully than the rest of us. Maybe it’s his genetics, and not the fact that Tom Brady placed a curse on him 15 years ago. That seems to make sense, until I point out that younger brother Eli, a man who shares the same genetics, does not look older. In fact, Eli looks like he’s still getting swirlies by the other eighth graders at his middle school. So it can’t be genetics! The only logical explanation is that Tom Brady and Satan formed a pact 15 years ago that made Peyton age double the speed of a normal person.

INJURIES. This weekend Peyton not only set the record for most career passing yards, he also set the record for the number of injuries a single person can have at any given time without getting hit by a car. He was listed for three different things in the Bronco’s injury report, which almost equals the total number of times Tom Brady has ever been listed in an injury report his entire career. Could this be Peyton paying the price for Deflategate? I think so.

RUNNING STYLE: Tom Brady’s running style can be compared to that of an athlete’s. Peyton Manning’s running style can be compared to a Hannah Barbara cartoon that didn’t have the budget to animate the torso and the legs at the exact same time. Suspicious? I thought so.

FOREHEAD: Peyton’s forehead is getting bigger, right? I think it is. I don’t know how it relates to the Dorian Gray thing, but it has to, right?

Roger Goodell, I demand you address this. And I will not rest until you do.I’ve got plenty of coffee and honestly I’m getting sick of Newtons but I’ll keep eating them if I have to.

I also want you to address my theory that Tom Coughlin is a 10-year-old boy and is aging like Benjamin Button. Think about it: How does he look so old and still make such dumb calls? It goes all the way to the top.