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Published March 17, 2010

Everybody loves Raymond but no one's in love with him
and nobody doesn't like Sara Lee, because she puts out.

If you don't like to get drunk then do cocaine and if you don't like
cocaine then I don't think I want you dating my daughter.

Tom Selleck's mustache visits me in the night and threatens me with one of those little combs.

My hair caught on fire while I was posing for Playgirl. My pubic hair.

There is no right way to tell someone you pissed in their shampoo.
and there's no right way to ask that girl to marry you right after.

If the founding fathers were alive today they'd be screaming their lungs out and clawing like mad on the wood of their coffins. No, no, they would have gotten tired of that long ago and found other things to do alone in the dark. like maybe they're each singing their favorite Jonas Brothers song. It makes sense like the monkeys with the typewriters and the Shakespeare plays.

A smile is always a great icebreaker, but a boner shows more confidence.

I work as a boom operator on Keeping up with the Kardashians but my dream is to direct big buget dramas. 

My girlfriend's pregnant so I'm single again.  I'm not sticking around for the slow building hatred.

If Brett Favre mated with Peyton Manning, would that finally make Dan Marino a super bowl champ? and would Roethlisberger try to force his way in on the action?

My other car's my legs, because I care about our planet and I'm broke.

You never see tourism ads for Antarctica. I think it's because they keep all the coolest shit down there and they don't want anyone to go down and check it out. There's probably fucking time machines and alien spacecraft, pudding fountains, slip n slide, pony rides, and mini golf. and also you know, it would be the coolest shit because of the extreme cold.


 
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