Yo crumb dumpsters. Take the binky out of your mouth, look up from writing your last minute day-of Mother’s Day cards and get ready to swallow a swarm of truth bees. You know moms, right? Get this. They’re just like dads.
Yep. Let that really sink in. Your mother is just like your father and the only reason you don’t know this is because Big Mom and Big Dad have been trying to keep this knowledge away from the public, especially our country’s children. But I’m not your mommy, which also means I’m not your daddy, and I’m not gonna shield your little attached lobed ears from the truth. You might have inherited those ears from your mom, but you had the same percent chance of inheriting them from your dad. Do you need any more convincing? If so…
…Parenthood is 1000% a societal construct meant to take authority away from youth and reinforce the numero uno societal construct: gender. Moms and dads are both just older humans who’ve taken you under their care and are responsible for your upbringing. Sure, your mom might have been the one who birthed you, but had your dad birthed you, would you call him mom? Exactly. Makes you think.
Underfunded studies have shown that babies raised by either two moms, two dads, no moms, or the University of Arkansas’ Chi Omega sorority all have the same likelihood of reaching full maturation and will post successful accounts of “adulting” on social media in their early twenties. What further proof do you need to understand that moms are dads and at the end of the day are both just humans who want to walk you down the aisle at your sponsored love union one day. It makes me blood boil.
I know you’re thinking to yourself, uhm there are definitely differences between moms and dads. My mom sends texts with typos and my dad saves charges from Apple products that aren’t in circulation any longer. Newsflash, narc: your mom wouldn’t be able to charge her iPhone 3’s without your dad’s hoarding problem and your dad needs to always feel useful, which makes him clingy and that’s – you got it – a mom quality.
And you know what furthers my disgust with these divisive and artificial labels? Mother’s Day and Fathers Day. We should have a Parent #1 Day and a Parent #2 Day and celebrate them back to back and call it a regular weekend. Make them a meal or karate chop their shoulders while watching Game Of Thrones, I don’t give a fuck. All I want is for you to stop pretending like there’s anything different between moms and dads because there isn’t, there never will be, and if you give me any attitude you’re fucking grounded.