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June 15, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

HBO apologized for a George W. Bush mask appearing on an impaled head in “Game of Thrones.” Like George W. Bush, they still aren’t sure how he got there.

In other George W. Bush news, a poll says Americans still blame him more for the economy than they do Barack Obama. Likewise, some people still think Bill Clinton ordered an attack on Iraq.

Tom Cruise said his daughter Suri disliked the makeup he wore for his character in “Rock of Ages.” He said it wasn’t so much what she said, but more the color her eyes began to glow.

A homeless man in Texas is being allowed to keep a bag containing money and gold he found. The man said he’s both thrilled and worried that he’s essentially living inside “No Country For Old Men.”

The man would’ve had the bag returned to him sooner but he was jailed for public intoxication. Meanwhile, his fellow inmates will always remember him as “that guy who kept insisting he didn’t have a bag of money and gold.”

A judge ruled in favor of a woman who lived in a Brooklyn loft without paying rent for six years. Similarly, a judge ruled that no one should have to live in Queens.

Burger King will begin selling a bacon sundae. Their new slogan being, “Give Us a Break, We Tried The Healthy Thing For Two Months.”

Regarding the economic crisis in Europe, Germany’s Angela Merkel said, “Germany’s powers are not unlimited.” Adding, “Because if they were…” as she nodded towards a Jewish person.

Following the release of an NYPD officer on bail for the shooting of an unarmed teenager, fellow officers clapped for him in front of the boy’s parents. It also didn’t help that they all remarked how great it is he’ll be able to enjoy Father’s Day.

Two Staten Island gangs almost went to war over accusations that one had stolen a family pizza recipe. So you know neither of those gangs were affiliated with Papa John’s.

The mob war was averted though, thanks reportedly to a meeting at a Panera Bread. A big help was that they got to sit in those big comfy chairs near the window.

A conservative, pro-Israel lobbying group has released a TV ad pushing President Obama to attack Iran. And would it kill him to call his mother every so often?

Singers Chris Brown and Drake got into a fight Wednesday night. Drake had the advantage, as Chris Brown is only used to fighting in limos.