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January 27, 2015
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A review of my overall dining experience with my new girlfriend and her friends at Park Diner. 1 out of 5 Dinner Plates.

Restaurant Review: Park Diner

1 out of 5 Dinner Plates


In this Restaurant Review, I decided to bring along company in the form of my new girlfriend, Liz. I recently got out of a relationship, and it pretty much ended mutually and we both agreed to move on and be nothing more than friends. Anyway, joining Liz for breakfast seemed like a healthy step to forgetting about my old girlfriend.

I suggested we grab breakfast two hours south in Binghamton, NY; hometown of my aforementioned ex-girlfriend Sarah, who I am still definitely just friends with. I texted Sarah early in the day and asked if she had any recommendations, where she told me Park Diner would be perfect. When I told Liz that Sarah had picked a place for us, she was all like “You still talk to Sarah? Your girlfriend from two years ago? Didn’t she like cheat on you or something?"to which I said "I mean they only got to third base. We still talk and all.”

When we first arrived at Park Diner, I immediately took in the atmosphere. Park Diner is a quaint, old-fashioned diner that rests adjacent to the beautiful Susquehanna River.

I soon found that this wasn’t too important, as I received a text from Sarah that said “hey i hope you have a great time at pd. Liz seems really sweet :) btw get pancakes!” What does this mean? Is Sarah actually happy for me?? No, she’s probably teeming with jealousy. Maybe she wants me back!! Could pancakes be code for “back together with me?”

The waitress quickly provided us with coffee refills, and I took earnest note of her excellent service. I also took note that Liz lacked the radiance and beauty of Sarah. The waitress, perceptively noting my sweating palms and racing heart, asked if everything was alright. In fact, everything was MORE than alright. I could now see that Sarah’s simple text was the mere opening of a long-awaited apology, and my soul was filled with energy.

The pancakes arrived and smelled delightful; they tasted sweet and the flavors danced in my mouth, sort of the way Sarah’s strawberry lip balm filled me with angelic serenity when we kissed. I cleverly lied to Liz and told her I needed to call my dad. Liz, who was a wicked wretch compared to Sarah, told me to take my time and softly kissed me on the cheek. After escaping her clutches, I immediately dialed Sarah’s speed dial code (2). As soon as she picked up, I proclaimed my love and challenged her to deny her’s. Of course, unwilling to admit to her eternal burning for me, she used her go-to excuse of being a “lesbian.” After arguing for close to 5 minutes before the call must have been dropped (she wouldn’t just hang up on me like that), I slumped back into Park Diner.

The other girl I was with, whatever her name is, asked if I was OK, and why I was sobbing. But whatever, fuck them man. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t eat in an emotionally fragile state like this. I stared at my eggs (which were pretty good!), I burst into another flood of tears, as they reminded me too much of her. Lisa (Lindsay?) ended up taking me home early, where we drove in silence, as she could never match the vibrant conversation that Sarah and I used to exchanged in what were the most bliss-filled months of my life.

Overall, my dining experience was terrible. If you want a good meal with little to no heartbreak involved, do NOT go to Park Diner. 1 out of 5 Dinner Plates.

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