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December 09, 2008


Hey! I'm back! Did you even know I was gone? Was there not a void in your world due to my absence? Okay, fine, whatever! Truth is I wasn't really anywhere except Missouri and they do have internet. But I have been logged out of Funny or Die for so long, I'd forgotten my sign-in information! In the last month, I have been spending time with family and will be taking off again soon for Christmas. If you miss me there's always my family blog. I keep that one updated about once a week. Now on with the newz!

Illinois is proud as proud can be to have yet another crooked governor in office. Today, Gov. Rod Blagoya-no-one-can-spell-or-pronounce-your-stupid-ass-name-anyhow-ich was arrested, after federal agents located his eBay account where he was allegedly selling the senate seat left open by President Elect Barack Obama to the highest bidder. Blagojevich joins Dan Walker, George Ryan, Otto Kerner and Mrs. O'Leary's cow as Illinois' largest disappointments.

Edgar the cat used up one of his nine lives seeking warmth in a car engine, which cost him half of his whiskered face. A surgeon in Boston saved the cat and reattached its face. Sources close to Edgar say he's feline fine.

Frannie Guion, an 82-year-old woman was rescued by 20 neighbors, EMTs and firefighters after falling into a well in her backyard. Sources close to the woman say, "She had to call for help on her cell phone because Lassie, that lazy piece of shit dog, didn't do a damn thing to come to her aid."

Because even counterfeiting bad guys have a heart this time of year, a fake $100 bill was left in a Salvation Army kettle.

Holiday reports state in economic hard times re-gifting is deemed more acceptable and appropriate. Sources close to the greedy whore who lives inside of my head say, "Bullshit!"