Full Credits

Stats & Data

November 14, 2009


I've managed to squirrel away time for the last...almost two years...to write this freakin' novel and today, even though it wasn't planned, I was picking at it and realized that it's done!  I have it.  So...I need to string together the draft from page one to page 555, and I want to start typing now because I can BUT!  I decide the smart thing to do is to find out HOW to submit a manuscript so that if I need pages numbered, words counted, double spaced, triple spaced, WHATEVER! I can do it all while I make my formal copy of the first draft (which, technically, will be my second draft).  I googled "manuscript submission etiquette", and it would appear that each publishing house has it's own standard, and that they don't want my manuscript, they just want a query letter and then will ask for more if they feel so inclined.  So, essentially they're tired of coming up with creative ways to sell titles, so they'll only publish your book if you can figure out a way to sell it to them your God Damned Self.  I then googled "query letters" and found a helpful article that detailed the five elements of a query letter. 1)hook 2)pitch 3)body 4)credentials 5)close.  The article also warned not to be too "amateurish".  Well, guess what fucknut? I AM an amateur!  I love the way that the advice offered claims to encourage new writers, but then swiftly demands "credentials" and a pish posh on "amateurism".  ANYWAY...here's my first attempt at a Query Letter.
To Prospective Publisher:
Hook: I have your mistress (like you'd care what happened to your wife!)
Pitch: My book is an "as yet unfinished" murder mystery about this crazy woman who wants this guy to publish her chic-lit/contemporary romance novel or she'll kill his mistress AND the puppy he gave her.
Body: Still warm.  
Credentials: Saw "Misery" with Kathy Bates, like, 900 times. 
Close: Do you want me to double space my manuscript or what?  Punk. Lazy assed fucking cheap ass marketting department strategy hoarding fascist.  
What do you think?