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December 11, 2011

Santa Claus is coming to town and you'd better get a restraining order to keep him away from your kids. Second installment in the Christmas Carol series.


I've always felt that the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," is less of a joyful celebration of the fat man's coming, and more of a cryptic warning to parents and children of the dangers which this man poses.

If I were a parent I wouldn't let my children within 500 feet of jolly 'ol Saint Nick. Seriously, is nobody else worried that a man who breaks into your house--through the chimney no less--to leave presents for your children is a pedophile? I do. All you have to do is look at the lyrics to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and it all makes sense. In fact, as the song progresses, it becomes steadily more and more alarming. 

Let's break it down, verse by verse.

The song starts off "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why--Santa Claus is coming to town." What?! Who would say that to a child? Somebody trying to abduct a child, that's who. "Don't cry or pout or I'll get your parents!" is more like. And what do they have to "watch out" for? This guy is supposedly a kind-hearted old man. What do these kids have to watch out for if he's just coming to give them toys? Molestation. That's what. But it gets worse. Much, much worse.

"He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna' find out who's naught and nice." Okay, so according to this, not only does this guy inspire fear in children, he's also really efficient about which children he chooses to molest. But the real question is which list is worse to be on? The naughty or nice list. Because, when you're talking about children, it's hard to say. Is he going for the naughty ones who can be easily bribed with candy and toys, or is he going for the nice ones who will do whatever he tells them to? Either way, I'd guess that, based on the description thus far, Santa's driving a windowless van--not a sleight.

But here's the clincher: "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. So be good for goodness sake!" WHAT?! He's doing WHAT?! And you take your children to the mall to take picture with this pedophile?! That... that is just beyond words. This pedophile is stalking your children, knows their every routine, and you still get them excited all hyped up about him coming? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? No, you don't need to teach your children to be good for goodness sake--you need to teach them about stranger danger. I know that Santa seems like a "good guy" but any fatty who walks around with a huge sack trying to solicit children is a pervert in my book.

So, if this song teaches anything to children, it should be the value of personal safety. Because, based on this song, Santa is a scary, efficient, stalker. Don't have anything to do with him. In fact, convert to Judaism. Avoid the whole thing. Yes, that's the only safe solution.