Hey hey hey! Welcome to an exclusive interview with Niall Horan, the super awesome lead singer of worldwide sensation One Direction ! We talk to Niall about life, love, and the One Direction Infection that’s currently sweeping the globe!
So, Niall. It’s been quite a year for you! One Direction has exploded worldwide.
Yes. We’re extremely grateful for all the support our fans have given us. We couldn’t do it without you!
So modest. That’s good. So tell me about the other guys in One Direction.
Louis is totally my best friend. And Harry is like a little brother to me. Zayn is the one with black hair. Also there’s Liam.
You guys seem to be quite the tight-knit group. Do you ever disagree on anything?
Never. We’re five best friends. There used to be a sixth one, but he disagreed on something.
Glad to hear it. You’re a busy guy, but what do you do when you’re not on tour or in the studio?
I’m just a regular 18 year old kid. I hang out with my friends, go to the movies, windsurf, Tuesday night goat slaughtering, you know.
Umm... okay. So what made you want to get into music in the first place?
Isn’t all music just noise to appease Our Leader? The day of reckoning is coming, but we must delay it until more of them understand our message.
Your ... your message, huh? Well. How do you guys differentiate yourself from other boy bands like The Wanted or the Jonas Brothers?
The boys in The Wanted are actually very nice. I’ve met them and would love to collaborate with them someday. We’re not in competition or anything, we are each our own thing. As for the Jonas Brothers, I am pretty sure they are still virgins so perhaps we can drink their blood on the day of the ritual.
There’s a ritual now? What? Uh ... so, you’ve been on tour all year and are gearing up to do another world tour next year! How does that feel?
I am not who you think I am. You are not who you think you are either. The sooner we all accept this, the sooner eternal happiness will come.
Speaking of eternal happiness... are you dating anyone right now?
No, I’ve been very busy. Busy recording in the studio, busy on tour, busy recruiting new members, busy spreading His word, getting my kneecaps tattooed, shaving my body hair, collecting eyelashes, capturing rabbits, being confused about mermaids, trying to stop electricity, eating whole eggs, memorizing scripture and eating chalk. Just very busy.
I am sorry, Niall, but I have to ask. About Louis, Harry, Zayn, and Liam... are they here right now?
What do you mean? Yes, of course they are. They are always with me. They are sitting right behind me, can’t you see them?
Actually, I can’t.
What are you talking about? They are right there. Get your eyes checked. Book an appointment with an optometrist, please!
Niall... I’m sorry, but ... It’s just that nobody has ever seen them except for you.
They are real! YOU’RE NOT REAL.
Niall, please understand, we love you, we care for you. But we need to do something about this before it gets out of control. Louis is just a figment of your imagination. As is Harry. And Liam. And Zayn. Some of them are more clearly imagined than others, which in itself is rather off-putting.
You will bow to me or you will die. I will stare upon your soul and pull it out with my eyes, which are as blue as the sea.
Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Where does the name One Direction come from?
It’s a funny story. When the day comes where Man is forced to pay for all his sins cast upon the Earth, there will only be One Direction for Him to go, and that One Direction is into the abyss.
Did you know your fans call themselves One Directioners?
Ha, ha! No, I did not. But I’m glad they are learning.
So, where do you think the One Direction Infection will spread to next? Ha...ha...ha...
It’s a common misconception that we’ve designed a biochemical weapon that can stimulate certain parts of the brain, forcing the sheep to blindly agree to our every command. No. We haven’t finished it yet. You will know when you have. Or ... maybe you won’t. This interview is over.
Just one more! What’s your favorite food?
Lettuce or chalk.
If you had to choose?
But I don’t.
Okay. That was weird! Why did this get published? Join us in this space next week when we discuss anti-Christian propaganda with the cast of “Wizards of Waverley Place”!