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Published June 19, 2010

Up until recently there were two world-wide fads I hadn't whose bandwagon I had not yet jumped upon: Owning a cell phone and Twitter. Regarding the former, I've really just never felt I needed one. If you really need me I am not that difficult to track down; just look for the guy hanging out at the closest Build-A-Bear workshop, petting the bears and asking the employees if their favorite part of the process is the "stuffing." That would be me. See how simple that is?

As for the latter, I really had no excuse, I just never made one. I didn't think I would use it all that often, so I didn't see the point. However, a friend of mine asked me to make one along with him because he wanted to take the plunge -- sort of like the "buddy system" of going to the bathroom; we tend to go with one another because we figure if one of us is going to be touched inappropriately, we may as well be the ones to do it.

After asking me, the following conversation took place:

Me: I've debated on signing up, but I don't know that my awesomeness could accurately be conveyed in 140 characters or less. I would hate to short-change the public. Then again, I've heard it's a great way to stalk rappers and porn stars, so I probably will get on that.

Him: Ryan, Please get on Twitter. I could use your nuggets of wisdom throughout the day.

Me: I finally gave in and did it. @RyanSaysThings ...[2pacVoice]Follow Me! [/2pacVoice] Seriously, you'll have to find me, because I haven't tried to figure it out yet.

The rest, as they say, is history. I figured I may as well share said wisdom nuggets with all of you, because no one on Twitter really gives a shit what I have to say. Without further adieu, here is my first week's worth of Tweets (believe it or not, I have not made a single "Twat" joke) in newest-to-earliest order:

- @ApathyDGZ One of my favorites: Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing. Also, here's a random one: Tracey Lee - The Theme (It's Party TIme).

Me: "When I die, I want to be stuffed, and have hinges installed so I can be posed." Dad: "I'll stuff you -- right down the goddamn toilet."

Dear Lady in the Parking Lot of Sheetz -- Don't do things that make you seem like a hooker and then get mad when I ask if you are a hooker.

- @mousebudden Remember Music Soulchild? He needs to release something, too. He could make a song called "JoeBuddenBBQTime" sound good.

@SarahKSilverman Anytime I eat Activia I reenact Jamie Lee Curtis scenes; tried one from True Lies today but ended up shitting on my couch.


- I just realized that "The Landing Strip" is the Hitler 'stache of the pussy world. Jewish gals with them, you are rebellious, and I like it.


- #DoesntMakeSense How when a white or black gal says "Daddy," it's just kind of awkward, but when a hispanic gal says "Papi" it is super-hot.


- @Anna4Real I think it would be. I'd have to pretend to take up baking so I could borrow sugar, and all of the other cliche things. No shame!


- #DoesntMakeSense That China makes such amazing electronics, but such shitty dining utensils.


- If you ever find yourself face-to-face with a bear, don't try to climb a tree. Big, hairy gay men are aroused by the scent of bark and fear.


- @WillSasso You ended up killing the treadmill, didn't you? You ruthless, sleeveless, sweaty son of a bitch.


- Remember when The Ghostubsters stopped that massive flow of ectoplasm beneath New York City and saved the day? BP, "who ya gonna call..."


- @JimNorton That expression also covers when she bursts into the room, and you find out it's actually her son's ass.


- @RoyceDaFive9 Yo, yo, yo, it's going down...town Julie Brown. Snitches get stitches and dropped off in ditches, I'm too big for my britches.


- @vickyvette If I had a dollar for every time I was "distracted by bouncing boobs", I'd be able to buy the world their own. I'd be Tit Santa.


- Dear People Opposed To Gay Marriage -- You certainly get passionate about something that supposedly doesn't apply to you. Repressed urges?


- A Hanson and Drake performance ended in a riot? That had to have been the gayest riot of all time. I want this MmmBop forever, man.


- @danieltosh A mixture of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech and any dialogue from The People VS. Larry Flynt is a sure bet.


- #HappyBirthday2pac I made you a Hennessey-flavored cake. It tastes like shit. Sorry about that.


- @GabbyQuinteros If you can speak spanish and like (painfully) white guys, I feel like I could love you...in a sexual kind of way.


- @mousebudden #songscrazychicslike Tweet - Oops. If you don't know you're doing it, you either have split personalities, or a huge vagina.


- @TheRealCrookedI "...better duck, 'cause I ain't lookin' when I'm b-b-blastin', I'm a nut..." #TupacTuesday


- @Kidvishis The Precious line made me laugh out loud. Then, I rewound it and laughed again.


- Nevermind how I heard this, but I think a lady on QVC just misspoke, describing casserole as "summer anal." I think it's a Paula Dean dish.


- @danieltosh Regular shower or golden shower? The former? I agree. The latter? One is never enough -- rinse and repeat.


- @Anna4Real After previewing your site, my last name is not Rodgers, but I want to be your neighbor.


- @JoellOrtiz Maybe it already exists, but if not, you definitely need to make a song called "Yaowa!" Or, maybe "The Yahweh of Yaowa".


- #nowplaying Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day Remix. It's times like these you can completely forget about Are We There Yet?


- Dear Guy Who Was Wearing the Dirty, Orange Shirt with the Sleeves Torn Off That Said, "It's Not Me, It's You" -- You're wrong. It's all you.


- @MjBordenLA It's news because he normally doesn't have to trim it. The longer (in time) he grows it, the shorter it gets. Benjamin Beardon!


- @funnyordie If he is not burried in a sausage-shaped casket carried by a single pallbearer named John, that will be a goddamn travesty.


- @laurenpdot I'm told you and I are twins. I thought you died in that boarding home riot when we were kids. It's so good to see you again!


- @Berwacky I call it Cannonball when my balls splashdown in toilet water. Not because I have huge balls, but because I have a shallow toilet.


- @ApathyDGZ I'm pretty sure I've listened to "I'm A Demigod" on a daily basis since first hearing it; looking forward to Sleeper Cell.


- @Berwacky I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you are John Candy.


- @RoyceDaFive9 Is the aborted version of BE3 still coming out on Tuesday, you fuckin' tangerine?


- I hate when I'm in the bathroom shaving my balls and I can I hear my neighbors' kids playing outside. Talk about uncomfortable, huh?


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