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July 27, 2015
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Which one of you motherfuckers put a dildo on my face when I was napping at the beach?

Hey all you motherfuckers I previously considered to be my friends, we need to talk. Now. I just got back to my apartment after our “fun” little beach outing and glanced in the mirror. You fucking assholes. Which one of you fucknuts placed a dildo on my face when I was sunbathing? Seriously, who the fuck was it?

dildo on face.jpg

Who the fuck is responsible for this?

Dylan? Greg? Larry? Which of you shit-dicks did this!? I swear to god if this was some sort of pre-planned team effort I’m going to lose my fucking shit. You’re all toast. Toast!

And I don’t want to hear any of this “You fell asleep so it’s your own fault” bullshit. It’s not like it was some fucking frat party! It was just a bunch of friends having a casual afternoon at the shore. It was supposed to be relaxing. And I thought it was…until I got home and saw this shit on my face.

You dirty no good shit-gargling turd fucks. I could fucking kill all of you.

Guys, I’m going to a wedding this weekend! What the fuck am I supposed to do about the huge cock outline on my face, huh? I’m the best man. I have to give a speech! Fuck!

And who the fuck brings a dildo to the beach for a prank? Did you plan for this? That’s almost the most disturbing part. Did you pack a dildo anticipating I would take a beach nap? Where were you even hiding it? In the cooler? In in the tote bag? I looked in both of those! Wait a second….no. No. You wouldn’t…

Please tell me it wasn’t a real dick. Please god no. If one of you no-good douchefucks gently laid your fucking penis on my face while I dozed off I’m going to run you over with my goddamned car. I swear to god.

That’s it. I’m coming over to each of your houses right fucking now and I’m inspecting your dicks. If I find one fucking sunburned cock I’m chopping it off right there. See if I won’t.

Fuck all of you.

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