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Published May 26, 2011 More Info »
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Published May 26, 2011
  The Seinfeld INT. JERRY’S APT. [Jerry stands in his kitchen with the phone to his ear. George sits silently on the couch reading a magazine.] Jerry: Are you trying to tell me that I ate three helpings of dog meat?  I thought it was corned beef hash!... Why didn’t you tell me?... Well of course I wouldn’t have eaten it if I knew if was dog meat!  I wish you would have told me! Aaah, forget it! [Jerry hangs up.] George: What was that all about? Jerry: It was my mother, lying about meat products again. George: The last person who lied about meat to me was that hooker in Times Square, I should have known that wasn’t a bratwurst in her pocket.  Turns out it was a penis (snort laugh). Jerry: So how did your date go with Lisa? George: Not so good. She said the whole “bald thing” bothers her.  I told her I could wear a wig but she insisted that if it’s not my real hair then I am SHIT OUTTA LUCK! [Elaine enters] Elaine: Please tell me you have toilet paper. Jerry: Sure, I got a whole bunch of Charmin, what’s wrong? Elaine: Ugh, you would not BELIEVE how much diarrhea I’ve had today.  Just now as I was walking here I had to stop and drop a load in a KFC, only to find that there was… Jerry: No Charmin? Elaine: No Charmin. George: Don’t tell me it was the KFC on 34th! [Elaine looks guilty and ashamed] Jerry: You mean to tell me you walked ten blocks completely unsanitary?... Unbelievable.  Elaine: You guys can go fuck yourselves. [Frustrated, Elaine storms into the bathroom] George: What got into her? Jerry: I’m more concerned about what came out. George: Ya know what I do when there's no toilet paper?  I just use my hands, then dry them off with the air blower thing. Jerry: I don't trust those blow dryers, you might want to look into using paper towels instead. [George shrugs and goes back to reading the magazine] [Kramer bursts through the door, unlit cigar in hand] Kramer: Jerry I got it! Jerry: (Sarcastically) Oh boy, here we go. Kramer: Hair Today, Here Tomorrow. Jerry: What? Kramer: It’s the name of my new business – get a load of this Jerry – a service where people can grow out their hair then cut it, send it to a wig company where they style and color it any way they like and then get it sent back so they can have a wigs of their own hair in different styles for different occasions, it’s brilliant! Jerry: I don't know, see, I think a person's hair defines them.  If I start switching around - business hair by day, laid back hair in the evening, party hair on the weekends - I wouldn't even know who I was anymore! [Pause in dialogue for prolonged audience laughter] [Elaine walks out of the bathroom] Kramer: Elaine, let me ask you a professional question… Elaine: Sure. Kramer: Does the carpet match the drapes? Elaine: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? [Elaine strips down nude and strikes a pose] Kramer: (Shocked) GIDDY UP! Jerry: Oh for cryin’ out loud. [George ponders then has an epiphany] George: That’s it… I could turn my carpet into a wig and then Lisa would have no reason to object to me because it would be my real hair!  [George stands up, excited] George: Kramer you’re a genius! Kramer: Well I wouldn’t argue with that (bites cigar and smiles). END SCENE