An Open Letter To Sony PlayStation

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May 8th, 2011

Sony Computer Entertainment America LLC

919 East Hillsdale Blvd.
Foster City, CA
94404
United States

Dear Sony;

The day you took down the PSN, was the day I died.

In the beginning, I was just an ordinary guy.  My name?  It doesn't matter.  Who was Jesus, before he was the Son of God?

The story begins a few months back. I had envisioned the PSN failure while masturbating.  Images flashed before my eyes as I ejaculated all over myself.  I saw our network go down; I saw the millions left in the dark.  “Oh my God, I must warn everybody.” The thought was immediately followed by a strange sensation that passed through my body.  And I quickly got hard again.

From game to game, map to map, I walked across all PSN servers.  Word spread of my presence and it was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops, in Nuketown, where I would turn my back to the violence and speak to my fellow gamers. "Spread the word, the apocalypse is near!" I spoke into my headset, as I sat on my couch completely naked.  Somebody mentioned their nose was starting to bleed.  I closed my eyes.  And then my nose started. (Kinda like when the forehead of Gary Oldman’s character in the Fifth Element starts to bleed.) 

Not wanting the prophecy to come true, it was my desperate cousin who made the first and honourable sacrifice.  Standing before me in Array, he suddenly froze and then disappeared as he deleted his own PSN account.  And then it happened…in line they stood, waiting their turn to stand before me. "For the greater good" I whispered into the mic. All in all, eight gamers took their accounts that day. I cried for days.

“For whosoever would save his life shall lose it: and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it.”

As the fateful day approached, my followers grew double in size.  I started to get direct PSN messages from many wanting to meet in real life.  I met with a believer named Derek from Michigan.  The 17 year old flew in for a weekend visit.  Things got awkward though when I tried to suck his dick. I haven't heard from him since.  

In the final minute of what was the inevitable, I stood on an electric windmill in the Heavy Metal map playing Battlefield: Bad Company 2. I looked down on my land, on my people.  "Do not fear." I spoke, "I will resurrect!"  And with that, I jumped.  As my body rushed to the ground, the game started to glitch.  Everything went in slow-mo.  I heard the panic in their voices.  And then everything went black. 

“…and the enemy that sowed them is the devil: and the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are angels.”

My human body is currently located in my parent's basement.  I will not disclose the location.  I have not seen daylight in over 3 weeks.  I'm so cold but I survive on the warm milk provided by my Sister's teenage bosom.

But in the dark, I am seeing again.  More visions.  It’s so beautiful.  If only you could see what I see...

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We will be back.