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March 30, 2017
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Looks like they're at it again!

Uber, also known as “that app you use when you order taco bell in the city at 3:00am and need to drag yo drunk ass home,"is hitting yet another red light in the news. Amidst all the horrible truths recently revealed about the car service company, the first ever diversity report released Tuesday revealed that 63.9% of their company is male, and 49.8% white. Surprised at the lack of diversity? So was I, until I learned these 13 scandalous facts you probably didn’t know about Uber.

  • Uber is really just an anagram for the word “REBU” which was a word in the Egyptian Book of Death that means: “Cursed Carriage”
  • The back seat of every car enlisted in Uber’s fleet is specifically re-designed to fit the body type of any top-level executive, so they can lay beneath and look up women’s skirts.
  • All of Uber’s surcharge fees go directly to a black-market gambling organization that promotes betting on whether sick kids live or die.
  • All Uber drivers are specifically instructed by Uber company policy to keep a copy of Mein Kampf in the glove compartment.
  • Once an individual signs up to be an Uber driver, they are also unknowingly signing a binding contract to be an organ donor to all of the companies top level executives.
  • Once a car is enlisted in the Uber fleet, all airbags are straight up removed.
  • If you participated in \#deleteuber, your name was automatically added to a database and now if you delete the app, tiny electronic bees will track you, find you, and dig inside your ear to your brain until you die.
  • Many of the top executives at Uber participate in the filthiest orgies you could ever imagine.These orgies are what sparked the idea for Uber Pool.
  • Executives had the company app developers install a hidden feature which allows executives to remotely shut down the app for any minority who tries ordering an Uber. Just for"fun.“
  • Most of Uber’s top executive boardrooms are really just dimly lit black box theaters filled with candelabras and hot wax stations where executives can go to burn themselves and truly feel alive.
  • The grid of servers,that energizes all of Uber’s operations, runs completely on electric power drawn from tiny children in warehouses riding stationary bikes.
  • Satan refuses to use Uber because he doesn’t want to be associated with all the bad press.
  • Uber’s original motto used to be "We aim to sympathize with history’s villains. We believe they are misrepresented and severely misunderstood.”
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