Full Credits

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August 04, 2009


First of all, I work in a 24 hour cafe. Second, I don't detest my job, I just detest people. Not everyone mind you, just the occasional douche bags and the odd dumb employee/colleague. Aside from those, I quite like what I do. Free food (not really free but who cares), great company (love the people cept the ones I mentioned above aka DOUCHE BAGS) and a great place to waste time (cafe is in the mall and I get to watch movies for free, good friends with mall security and other shop owners). Yes life is mildly sweet. I have worked for quite a while now at that place, lots of stories, lots of memories. There's one particular incident that is quite stuck in my mind.

One sunny afternoon, I woke up and went to work. It's like any other days. I wasn't expecting anything. I did not brush my teeth, I did not wash my face, I did not shower but I definitely put on a new pair of underwear and Thank God I did, for what is about to happen require at least 1 pair of underwear (why they say pair of underwear when there's just only one, it should be one piece or one penis because two would be weird). I arrived at work. I was managing the afternoon shift and yes I'm a manager, pimp daddy, and all around bad ass (it has a nice shape just bad angle). I walked into the office where my friend and day shift manager was doing some paperwork. We greeted and got down to the daily business. That is talking smack on any people who were a pain in the ass. We chatted for quite a while until one of our lovely wait staff came in and told us of a problem that had transpire while we were busy...doing nothing. Apparently, she found a giant turd at one of the tables. I could not believe it myself and went outside to check. She directed me to the shit and I looked at it. It did not look like any ordinary shit so I bend down to have a closer look. My face was literally just a few inches away from the shit and I only believed it was shit when the smell hit my nose. I nearly vomitted and that would make it worse cause it would become a puke covered shit. Not nice.

As I regain my composure, my friend has already went back to the office and scouring over the security tapes to see which one of the douche bags left the piece of shit. Using some clever technical know how, we used the remote to rewind back the security tapes and located the douche bag. It was a bum. Crap... We can't ask him for money cause well... Anyways, we know who did it but we did not bother chasing him down. As we in the food industry know, chasing a bum would result him flinging poop at us and I don't want any poop on me so he got lucky this time. The video itself was quite funny (sorry to say, I don't have that tape and the tapes are with the boss). We see the bum walking into the backroom (it's for functions), I think he's looking for food (there were leftovers) and then he just kinda stood there, not moving. We then see him shaking his trousers and walk towards the toilets. Oh..my..god, he literally shat in his pants and rolled that piece of shit down his trouser's leg.

The shit itself was quite a masterpiece. It was round, wet and a chocolate texture. Strong stench as well. You have to imagine just how long he has been holding it in. There were also droplets of shit on the floor that form a trail to the toilets. I was bracing myself for the worse. Like Indiana Jones, I dodge that shit like it was...shit...and stealthily enter the toilet.

THE FUCKING HORROR!!! This bum has left shit all over the floors and the toilet seat. He actually wiped his ass on the seat. There was fucking toilet paper in there. Do you not have a brain, Mr. Bum? It's for your ass, use it. I was glad that it was not on the walls and ceiling. Spiderman would not like cleaning that shit up (hmm...maybe SpiderPig can).

-To Be Continue at Pt. 2