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November 25, 2009
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So...some of you are aware that I've been licking my wounds for a while now, regarding a certain situation, and the miraculous thing that happened was that I discovered that a certain correspondance that I thought had been erased (in a fit of clarity, I erased the messages from my inbox), I discovered today that these details were still alive and well in my "sent" box.  So, I read them today and here's what I realized about myself :  I do not give up.  LOL  I may wander, I may change what I'm doing whilst I wait, I might even escape into a different room, but if I am, in fact, waiting for that specific something...WOW.  I have these fantastic, somewhat long winded, but thoughtful and humorous messages that I sent...most that went without a fitting response if any.  I read my own words and I had imagined them as being much more direct and somewhat embarrassing from my memory, but they weren't.  They were quite nice and very...well...meek, which is surprising.   I was "sharing" information, but at the time I was also exercising the hope that if this person felt "love"for me, that they would sort of have to know these details.  The e-mails were motivated by some very powerful emotions and I think I was courting a powerful, emotional response...but they were fairly mild, chit-chatty, and begging not to be taken as me asking for anything....which is a strange way to go about courting honesty.  I think they were "fair" because I was trying to ascertain how someone truly felt, but also keep them comfortable, and let them know that they had control...so with this control...they kind of went out and did exactly what I didn't want them to do. LOL  I haven't taken that well, but I also haven't been a position to demand anything from anyone, so shame on me, really.
I get so pissy with people for not saying what they mean...but I have been just as guilty.  Trying so hard to be nice just isn't me...it was off putting.  I understand that now.  I made a large error in judgment and I've suffered that consequence.  Time to flush it and move on :)
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