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October 26, 2011

An out of towner became ecstatic the other day when his college alumni license plate holder arrived in the mail, once and for all ending the confusion of him being a local resident.

Dale Hubert of Burberry Park awoke past Thursday to find his hometown college alum license plate holder waiting for him at his front door. “I was really excited when I saw the FedEx package. I wasn’t 100% sure it was the holder, but the dimensions seemed to fit”. Neighbors had complained of shouting, heard coming from Dale’s studio apartment. “Of course I was shouting, shouts of excitement. I wasn’t sure the package was ever going to come. I had moved so many times I wasn’t sure the alumni board had my most current address.”

Dale spent the entire morning installing his license holder and admiring it, as he paced around his car in continuous circles.

“I just couldn’t believe the day was here. I had to go out and let the public know.” Dale went to a local bar for lunch, constantly looking around the bar for anyone who wanted to talk with him.

“It was GREAT! Not one person came up and talked to me. It’s got to be the plate holder. You wouldn’t believe how many times people would come up to me asking me whether I went to Tech or State. And when I would tell them I didn’t go to either, they’d spit at me and walk away.”

Dale went on to describe how liberating it was, knowing people now knew he wasn’t from around here. “People would get mad at me when they’d ask for directions. I’d explain to them that I’m not a local here, and then they would tilt their heads and just stare. It got to be real weird after a while.”

Lying in the trash can next to Dale at the bar was his old high school tassel, “yea, I got rid of that thing as soon as I got it [license holder]. I had that thing hanging on my rear view FOREVER”. Dale was the frequent victim of inter-town high school rivalry, and many practical jokes were played at his expense.

“I’d try to explain that red and blue are common high school colors, but they would just laugh even harder as they plunged my head in the toilet screaming ‘Out of Towner!’”.

Dale did regret though that the dating scene has taken a large plummet, as the young single crowd tends to mingle with their fellow alums only. “Yea, if she was hot, I would just say ‘Go State’. Hey I mean, a man’s got needs, right?”