Letter to Todd, the guy who stole my pack of Gushers and made fun of my mom for being old in fourth grade.
Well. It's been exactly ten years since that catastrophic day. That day that brought upon me great misery, which I will live with for the rest of my life. I haven't forgotten. Have you? There's a probable chance that you have. You always struck me as a future spray-paint huffer, and we all know that takes a major toll on your memory. Then again I am sure you already face troubles when it comes to looking back on childhood memories due to the whole, you getting molested by a clown at the state fair thing. And if a clown didn't rape you there HE SHOULD HAVE! Come to think of it, I would have paid a clown to molest you at the state fair. PAID ONE. I don't even know if we had a state fair. But if we did have one when you are I were kids you could have bet there would have been a whole lot of old clown touching and groping going on, buddy boy!
I suppose I should refresh your memory on what exactly I'm discussing here.
Ten years ago you and I were in class together. Our teacher was Ms. Clawfen, the dark-haired, frightening lady with the unsightly FUPA. Despite her homely appearance, Ms. Clawfen was wise. She knew you were a rotten apple. I should have seen it too! I looked past the "Stone Cold Austin 3:16" shirts, and prescription pill bottles in your Dragonball Z lunchbox. I tried to see the good in ya. But there was none, hombre. You stole my FUCKING Gushers! And on that same day, you told me it was gross that my mom gave birth to me when she was forty-eight years old. You then proceeded to call my mother an "old fart." I got some news for ya, Toddy. Your mom had you when she was seventeen! She's a filthy whore. Plus she smoked crack while pregnant and gave birth to the anti-christ. So yeah, my mom is way better. Also, you're a worthless scumbag! Seriously, you were already a thief in the fourth grade? You really set the bar high, dude. The only thing worse than your criminal record was your lack of intelligence. Honestly, you were closely teetering on retarded. To top it off, you weren't much of a looker either. You looked like one of the Hill People, for Christ's sake. And that underbite, MY GOD. You must have sent orthodontists running. It is actually quite an accomplishment for a ten year old kid to be that grotesque, but you managed it. I'm hoping the years haven't been good to you. I am also strongly hoping that you've developed athlete's food and several Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Well, when you're porking your cousin who was also born at a nuclear power plant it isn't that difficult to pick some up.
I would have defecated in the envelope before sending this, but I stay away from Yogurt so I didn't really have to go. But here's a photo of me expressing my feelings towards you. Read between the lines, MOTHER EFFER!
Mike Gursky (Follow Him on Twitter @gurskyman)