If we’re being honest, the international version of this week’s tweets are much more entertaining.
I don't want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 22, 2017
i come from a long line of people waiting for the bathroom— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) April 24, 2017
Not a lot of people eat here, but everyone who does opens a noodle restaurant. pic.twitter.com/Go6ZyNkCNk— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 24, 2017
uh real scientific having a MARCH for Science in APRIL— Christine Nangle (@nanglish) April 22, 2017
ME: (unthawing Walt Disney) You need to draw pants for that duck.— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 24, 2017
Eve: that's it?— Minion (@miffedmim) February 18, 2017
Adam: this is literally the biggest penis on earth.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 24, 2017
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?— slick (@dlicj) April 14, 2017
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
Younger followers may not understand North Korea so let me explain: it's a strange, isolated country entirely populated by Vice journalists— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 19, 2017
[first person to see an ostrich]— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 21, 2017
Check out that chicken horse.
I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 21, 2017
i wish all the silicon valley guys who say they're the next steve jobs were talking about his pancreas— Virgil Texas (@virgiltexas) April 26, 2017
*ronald mcdonald wiping off his makeup after a long day at work to reveal the exact same makeup but a sad mouth*— g-wix (@trojansauce) April 26, 2017
HER: I think we should see other people.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 23, 2017
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
A cow is not "just a boob horse"— Jess (@jessokfine) April 20, 2017
Every morning I like to wake up and...*tosses Q-tip behind the bathroom garbage can*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 23, 2017
If the internet has taught me anything, it's that there are 69 peanuts in this bag. pic.twitter.com/E4sausciy4— Joey Alison Sayers (@joeyalison) April 24, 2017
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn't unpacking, it's the looming threat of nuclear war— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 19, 2017
My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours that baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now what the fuck are they even doing— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 22, 2017
Jeff Goldblum's full name is Jeff Goldbloomin' Onion.— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) April 24, 2017
Bruce Banner would only turn into the Hulk when he saw someone from his high school at Target.— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) April 26, 2017
startup idea: ISIS but just against people who say 'doggo'— Lucy Valentine (@LucyXIV) April 23, 2017
knuckle tattoo idea: CROU TONS— maria sherman (@mariasherm) April 24, 2017
Phone batteries don't last as long as they should. If you ask me, they should make a battery that goes to 200% or even 300%— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 24, 2017
If I had a time machine I'd use it every night to go back in time and fall asleep when I got tired instead of three hours later.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 27, 2017
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 24, 2017
Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe