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April 15, 2015
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Columnist Richard McRupt takes on the student debt crisis by suggesting we just forgive their debt as a prank.

My fellow financial champions, I have an idea that you may find “fun!” While I sit upon my Throne of Industry, Innovation, and Investment, I often hear the pleas and cries of the lazy and weak below me. Perhaps you hear them as well. Those without the courage and focus to be rich whine constantly about the misfortune they bring upon themselves. Lately, their whining seems to be coalescing around our nation’s student loan debt, which recently reached $1.2 trillion. If truly the poor stations of our nation’s paupers are due to their so-called “burden of debt” then I say let us call these layabouts’ bluffs and forgive all their debts! Only then shall they have no excuse for failing miserably and we will be here justly laughing at their misfortune!

Call me cruel, but I think forgiving all student loan debt may just be the funniest joke we rich could ever pull! And I even know how we can do it. There is no price too high for a joke this good, therefore I propose that, get this, those of us with the most money will pay to make this happen! Indeed, we would each just take a paltry percentage of our own earnings and use it to pay to forgive the debt of all these idiot sloths and weak-willed fools. Once we have paid to forgive their debts they will have nothing to blame their failures on but their own laziness and we can finally take the moral high ground we so richly deserve.

And my hilarious prank does not end there. I propose that we continue this joke for decades. How uproarious would it be if we continued to pay for the higher education of all future generations as well. So it is not just this generation of students who we will be laughing at for failing but also future generations as well! Imagine the sight of both a father and his daughter failing in life not because they didn’t have the resources to succeed, but because they don’t have the Touch of Fortune that God has given the upper crust. Jesus shall laugh alongside us!

Indeed, there may truly be no funnier joke than making our entire public university system free for all the poor. And why stop there? Let us pour more money into all public schools! From preschool to high school, let us give everyone the finest educations in the world so that we can laugh and laugh when they still do not succeed. Since we know it is a fact that all of us got to where we are because of our own sacrifices, gumption, and divine provenance and not because we were born into fortune, this is the first Guaranteed Giant Laugh in the history of comedy! Indeed that is what we should call this program, The Great Laugh.

So join me, won’t you, in finally putting the poor in their place by calling for full student loan forgiveness through a tax on the richest among us. Let the Great Laugh begin!

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