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Published June 20, 2008 More Info »
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Published June 20, 2008

The Gloucester Pact

Jim McPartland

Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

I felt scooped yesterday. Tom O’Brien beat me to the punch on the story about the woman suing Victoria’s Secret because a g-string she was trying on snapped and hit her in the eye. It was no more than 10 minutes after I read his story that she’s on MSNBC with her lawyer talking about her ‘agony’. I literally screamed at the TV- ‘YOU STUPID BITCH!’ How can MSNBC even waste their time on this nonsense? She’s obviously way too big to be trying on any size there—and what’d she do, stretch the thing so hard to get it on that it snapped? Ok, I may buy that. But hit her in the eye? How? She couldn’t bend over far enough and those g-strings are not slingshots.

So I will not be gotten ahead of today, Mr. T.

Today’s ‘news of the weird’ involves a debacle occurring at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts (pronounced GLOWW-ster) for you non New Englanders (and yes, Noelle, that’s how it’s spelt- wise ass).

There is an epidemic there of teen pregnancies- 17 to be exact. At a school with only 1200 students. None of the girls are over 16. This is 4 times more pregnancies than last year, although to me even 5 is a lot. I guess the Gloucester Fisherman doesn’t have much to do in the off season, so- hey- let’s get them youngins’!

It started last October when the school clinic was besieged by girls asking for pregnancy tests. The funny thing? They were disappointed if they weren’t!

Officials originally blamed the lack of birth control for the crisis.

But a Doctor actually uncovered the truth.

At least ½ the girls had made a pact with each other- to get pregnant—and raise their babies together. I at least hope one of their Moms runs a Tudor Time.

It gets worse.

Instead of at least getting the football captain or debate club prez to provide the father juice so at least genetically the kids would be strong and smart, they went outside their circle.

One of the fathers is a 24 year old homeless guy.

This in a ‘fiercely Catholic’ community.

I’d like to be a fly on the wall in those confessional booths.

Besides the fact birth control is totally frowned upon, the news is attributing this problem to the economy in Gloucester. Many people have lost their fishing jobs to overseas competitors, leading to families being ‘broken’ and the kids ‘directionless’.

Wait a fucking minute!

The economy sucks EVERYWHERE. Should I allow my 12 year old daughter to roam the streets looking to bag homeless guys because I’m so depressed that I’m spending my entire day at a local gin mill instead of providing a positive example and monitor what the fuck she’s doing and where she’s at??

Gloucester- I don’t buy it for a fucking second.

An 18 year old, who became pregnant and gave birth her freshman year, was interviewed. She attributed it to the girls wanting ‘unconditional love’. She then pointed out to them ‘one does not feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 A.M’

So, it’s a conglomeration of things. Bad parenting heads the list. Catholic Church values that do not apply to anyone since 1348 B.C. Finally, Gloucester is not that far from Salem, the infamous witch city. I think global warming has caused the burnt souls of witches from 1611 to float down stream and get into these kids bodies. I think we’ll have a whole mess of Damiens from the Omen or Village of the Damned next month.

Go no further north than Boston until this one’s settled.

Editors note- On 8/12/08 the Principal of Gloucester HS was forced to resign by the Mayor who cliamed there is no pact substaiated and his commnets were out out of line.

The truth hurts sometimes.

Oh- and Mrs. Mayor has a pregnant 15 year old daughter.

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