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September 26, 2014
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For more from author, Amy Corson, check out her web series West Tower Comedy or her sketch group, The University tWits. West Tower Comedy: youtube.com/westtowercomedy tWits: youtube.com/TheUniversityTwits

IU Announces Plans to Begin Yet Another Fucking Construction Project that Might Benefit Someone, Someday

By: Amy Corson

In a statement Thursday, IU officials announced that development will start soon on yet another fucking construction project that might be of some use to someone, sometime in the distant future.

“We really feel that this addition to our school will benefit it immensely in the years to come” yelled President McRobbie over the sound of a truck backing up in the building site directly adjacent to the press area. “We really feel that students – not you, students. Students in the future – will really appreciate the efforts this campus has taken to bring itself into the 21st century.”

This announcement is met with hesitation among IU’s current students.

“I’m sure it’ll be nice when it’s done” said Jenna Beverly, whose 2018 graduation will take place years before this newest fucking construction project is scheduled to be completed.

Among these is Freshman JordanWaters, whose dorm room in Read Residence Center directly overlooks the construction being done on the center desk.

“This is the first time I haven’t heard a jackhammer in a month” He confessed. “Are you guys using this room after this? Do you think I could sleep here? I’m so tired.”

Despite the public’s less-than-ecstatic reaction to the news, Tom Morrison, Vice President for IU’s Capital Planning and Facilities, remains optimistic that, with time, students and staff will see the logic in beginning this newest fucking construction project.

“Think of it like we’re giving the campus a facelift” Said Morrison “When you go to see a plastic surgeon, it’s not like you’re just going to get ONE injection, right? What is that going to fix? Not much. No, instead, you want to get about fifteen Botox injections at one time, just to make sure everything’s REALLY where it’s supposed to be. And sure, maybe it takes a few years for the swelling to go down, and maybe your friends stop hanging out with you, but in time you’ll look GREAT, and you’ll get new friends who can appreciate your face. And then you’re golden. Right? That’s how Botox works, right?”

“This is truly a great time to be a student at IU” bellowed President McRobbie “You’ll be able to see the campus before and after this remarkable transition – TERRENCE! TERRENCE, CAN WE STOP WITH THE TRUCK FOR A MINUTE? PLEASE? Thank you. Jesus.”

Written by: Amy Corson

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