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Stats & Data

May 05, 2016

I had a sneaking suspicion that my wife was having an affair. I also had a suspicion it was with a bird. I suspect this has been going on for a while. Suspect.

It’s every husband’s worst nightmare. Coming home early from work at the box factory only to find your wife making love to another, more attractive man. In this case, the husband is me and the more attractive man…is a bird.

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Caught in the act

I’m broken. Not only has the woman that I love committed the number one no no against me, my best friend, a bird, is the catalyst to her infidelity.
I’ve known this bird since my college days. We rowed together. He was the best coxwain in our division. Not only was he my crew buddy, I considered him my brother.

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After we graduated, the bird and I decided to drive cross country. The bird insisted that we visit every strip club we drive past. We only made it to Illinois. I got a job at the local box factory to fund the birds addiction to strip clubs. Illinois sucks. But it was there, at Allure Gentleman’s Club and Grill, were I met the love of my life. When I saw Angela on stage, I knew she was the one. I was nervous to approach her. I mean, what would a princess like her want with a lonely old box boy like me. But the bird convinced me to talk to her. He was always so supportive.

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He really did have a problem

Angela and I started seeing each other. Meanwhile, the bird flew south for the winter. That winter was the best of my life. I got a promotion at the factory, head box maker. The bird wasn’t there to spend all my money. Most importantly, Angela and I fell madly in love with each other. I decided that she was the only person I’d ever want to be with and that I wanted to marry her.

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The bird was my best man. God dammit, how could he do this to me. How could he do this to us?

Then it all turned to shit. Angela started to forget to buy groceries and instead came home with a bunch of bird seed. She must’ve thought I was an idiot.


I knew it was for the bird but I played along anyway.

Then she started with the bird houses and feeders all over the place. The worst part about it is that she’d dress all sexy when she went outside to refill them with seed. I should have called it there.

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I finally muscled up the courage to check her phone. I knew what I was expecting to find what hurt me, I just didn’t think it would hurt me as much as it did.

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There it is

I was just waiting to out her and the bird. Patiently anticipating just the right moment. They beat me too it. I had gotten off work early and found the two in my bed, under my roof, doing the dirty deed.

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I was right. I could see it now, with my own two eyes, the bird and my wife doing it. I must say, I am relieved.

Let this serve as a warning for everyone: birds are not good friends.


Just for context, this is a CGI rendition of
the man I thought my wife would
cheat on me with