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November 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Sen. Marco Rubio recently said, "I'm not sure we'll ever be able to answer" how old the Earth is. Same goes for Marco Rubio: Is he 4 years old or is his 5? We'll never know.

The prime minister of Turkey labeled Israel a terrorist state on Monday. At which point America tussled Israel's hair and gave a look that said, "You're an adult now."

The man who accused the actor behind Sesame Street's Elmo of having sex with him when he was 16  is saying again there was an affair after previously recanting. To keep track of how many times he's changed his story, they've called in an expert.

A musical adaptation of "Rocky" is now playing in Germany. Said Germans, "Haven't we been punished enough for the Holocaust?"

The European Union has recognized the Syrian rebels as the “legitimate representatives" of the country. "Okay now do me," said Mitt Romney.

Israel says it's willing to send ground troops into Gaza to stop Hamas's rocket strikes. Said Palestinians, "Haven't we been punished enough for the Holocaust?"

The filming of The Hobbit is being blamed for 27 animal deaths. One of which turned out to be Andy Serkis. He was a truly amazing actor.

MC Hammer and Korean pop star Psy performed together at the American Music Awards on Sunday. Afterwards, MC Hammer latched onto Psy and said, "This is me literally bringing you down."

Due to a rare illness, a 17-year-old girl fell asleep for 64 days. Experts have taken to calling the disease "being a teenager."

The FBI has released the file they kept on Josef Stalin's daughter. Most of the notes made in the file are about how lucky the agents who got assigned to Adolf Hitler's daughter were.

In Philadelphia, a man sent to pick up a friend's daughter accidentally took the wrong girl. Sadly, Liam Neeson doesn't believe in accidents.