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Published March 26, 2012

Yesterday at dinner, one of my best friends from college, Kelly, who is hilarious and wonderful, told me that she recently went to her first strip club. It was while she was in Boston for her cousin’s 22nd birthday, and she said the experience was a weird one - not because the strippers were unattractive (in fact, they were apparently quite good looking), but because they were dancing to the music of two of no one’s favorite bands: Nickelback and Staind.

She wasn’t kidding. The strippers in this strip club in Boston were actually gyrating, giving lapdances and removing clothing to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2NGe9mLAEc. Can you imagine? Who thought that was a good idea? That is the most depressing shit I have ever heard of in my life.

I can imagine a conversation between the owner of that strip club and one of his dancers: “Ok, Candy - when Frankie puts on Train’s classic, ‘Drops of Jupiter,’ that’s your cue to rip your shirt off and slide down the pole upside down. Make it sexy.” How could that soundtrack be anything but a total bummer for every person in there? I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that the goal of owning a strip club isn’t to make your customers burst into tears or feel like they need to go home and call their exes/bastard children/priests.

Kelly’s story got me thinking of other songs that should never be played in a strip club. Here’s a short list of them.

1. “What Would You Do,” by City High.

2. “Dance With My Father,” by Luther Vandross.

3. “Daughters,” by John Mayer.

4. “Cat’s Cradle,” by Cat Stevens (or Harry Chapin, take your pick).

5. “When You Believe,” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.

6. “Pie Jesu,” (esp. this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJidPdlBKm8).

 

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