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November 07, 2016

This will knock your socks right into the voting booth.

This is the most shocking political scandal article you’ll ever read. Maybe we’re telling you that Hillary Clinton always kills all her Sims, or reveal that Donald Trump is really an oversized gummy bear that got left out in the sun too long. Or maybe it’s that Jefferson thing you’ve been hearing so much about lately.

If you haven’t already shared this article on Facebook, you should. It’s important to share articles before you read them so everyone else knows the truths about politicians right away, particularly politicians that you don’t like. You, my beautiful reader, are democracy in action.

Shared? Okay, great. Now we’ll explain exactly how this incredible news played out, and what the Boston Harbor had to do with it. Sure, we’re already a few paragraphs in, and you haven’t read any facts, but you haven’t noticed yet, have you? You’re still focused on the excitement. Finally, undeniable proof confirming what you’ve known all along: that the politician who has always rubbed you the wrong way is Satan incarnate. Really, that person should be in jail. In fact, it’s terrifying that someone could lead five hundred people on a death march through downtown Boston without getting arrested. Perhaps the police were among the casualties.

But before we get there, we just want to make sure that you have shared this, right? We aren’t a publication that you read very much — indeed, you don’t recognize our name, even though it sounds very official — and that should tell you something about how selective we are with our readers. We don’t reveal this valuable information to just about anyone. We need to spread the word to your social circle of like-minded winners because the masses can’t handle the truth.

Now that we’re halfway through the article, you may have noticed that the headline is significantly more extreme than the actual story. Don’t worry, my sophisticated reader. The spirit of the story is still there. Thomas Jefferson may not have literally risen from the grave and started a redhead-based cult that feeds brunettes to sharks, but someone else with his name did open an aquarium. Maybe it wasn’t Thomas Jefferson at all. Maybe it was Judd Apatow, who went on a murder spree after nobody saw “This is 40.”

Check the wording of the headline again. We added the word “may” in there. Maybe Apatow did hypnotize his followers using an Egyptian pyramid, a capital gains tax, and a screwdriver. Maybe he didn’t. We don’t know, and it’s not up for us to find out.

Maybe Wikileaks told us.

You want more proof? We’ve given you a lot to work with, but all right. You’re the boss, my attractive reader.

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of blondes and brunettes,” is a thing Judd Apatow said. It’s got quote marks around it and everything. Don’t you feel silly for doubting us now?

Maybe you should go ahead and share this on Twitter, too. You don’t have many followers, and this could rocket you to social media royalty.

“How did you discover these juicy facts?” you ask, you gorgeous activist, you. Thank you for inquiring, but you despite your obvious political acumen, you clearly just don’t understand modern journalism. You see, we are printing an article on a website designed to look like a magazine. Obviously, we know what we are talking about. Just look at our professional logo! A graphic designer definitely made it, and graphic designers can’t lie.

In fact, we probably talked to everyone involved ourselves. Hell, maybe we are Judd Apatow, and we’re just writing this story under an alias because we don’t want those Egyptians we stole that pyramid from to find out. Not while the secret space wars are going on, anyway.