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August 04, 2009

I’d like to take this opportunity to move my reflection of masturbation away from my childhood and into my early adult years. I’d like to do this for two reasons. First, because I masturbated waaay more in my twenties and early thirties than I ever did is a kid – which I attribute to the fact that I have a lot more privacy since my parents don’t live with me anymore. Second, I just wanna make sure the image of this fat, hairy guy, playing with an average-sized penis, is engrained in the brain of all the people reading this blog:

I don’t need to masturbate anymore. I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend that I’m in love with, so whenever I feel like masturbating, I can just go and have sex with her. But long before that luxury, I was a young swinger in Hollywood. And when you’re a young swinger in Hollywood, you sometimes go through dry spells – and to be quite honest with you, my dry spell was more of an eight year drought. Because of  that, may I once again suggest a few of the porn websites that helped me get through those rough times:






And of course, the fine people at Naughty America:


As I’ve matured into adulthood, my brain has evolved –  and so has the way my brain processes the way I masturbate. In the past fifteen years I’ve accumulated a wealth of sexual memories, and I can now use those memories to stimulate masturbation when I’m in situations where I don’t have access to the internet – situations like when I’m on an airplane, in a McDonald’s bathroom, or buying lottery tickets.

But even beyond that, I started the habit of writing down a list of all the girls I could have hooked up with – but didn’t – because I was either too drunk, too stupid, too scared, or just didn’t realize the opportunity existed until weeks, months, and even years after the window was officially closed. The list includes a number of girls from high school, college, and Hollywood. And it got so bad at one point that I started designing a time machine so I could go back in time and have sex with the girls on my list.

Here are three lovely ladies from that list:

BIG RED: Big Red was this girl I went to college with. If I remember correctly, she called herself Big Red because she weighed over 180 pounds and had red hair. But despite weighing over 180 pounds, she was really sweet and had a beautiful face -- and she’d be a catch if she knew that -- and you know, lost 80 pounds...

Towards the end of senior year, as I stumbled back to my place after a night of drinking, I passed Big Red’s house and she invited me inside.  Although I was drunk and horny, I remembered the ridicule my friend, Mike Freitas, faced after he hooked up with Big Red, and I didn’t want the reputation of hooking up with fat chicks like he had so I passed.

DAY HOOKER ON SUNSET BLVD. WHO MADE EYES AT ME: When I drive, I love observing all the various bums, crazy people, and random street people walking around Hollywood.

One morning when I was driving to work, I drove by this cranky-looking, middle-aged street hooker. As I drove by, I made eye contact with her -- and in that moment, time froze for what seemed like an eternity. And in that time, she was able to quickly raise her eyebrows up and down at me several times, signaling that she was available for business. The thing that was so interesting about her was how absolutely filthy-looking she was. I mean, just covered in dirt, grease and filth. She was probably used to the worse kind of treatment and I bet she would have done anything I wanted to with her – and for like zero money. I bet I could have gotten her to lick my a-hole for a corn dog from 7-11. She looked that dirty. I ultimately passed because I was late for work and I wasn’t in the mood for AIDS.

STEPHANIE CLARK: Stephanie Clark was an adorable sophomore I met one day when I was riding the elevator with my college roommate, Harlton. As it turned out, Stephanie transferred from the University of Michigan and was friends with a bunch of Harlton’s high school friends. Because of that, they had an instant connection and he was planning on hooking up with her that weekend.

That Saturday night, as we all walked to a random house party, Stephanie took my hand and whispered, “lets go back to the dorms…” All I wanted to do was take Stephanie back to my dorm room, but Harlton liked her, and I’m a bro’s before ho’s kind of guy. I believe in loyalty so I passed and Harlton took her home instead.

I was really proud of my decision to choose friendship over a meaningless hook-up. That is, I was really proud of my decision until five years later when Harlton came out of the closet.

Harlton's the tall, lanky, gay guy all the way on the left.

And to make matters worse, Stephanie wanted to have sex that night, but Harlton passed on sex  – because he was secretly gay! Do you understand what that means?? I could have gotten laid 18 months earlier if Harlton was such a selfish a-hole! Thanks a lot, Harlton! And you’re the reason the first Nintendo 64 was stolen, too!!