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June 15, 2016
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"Since I joined the NRA, my penis will get hard but nothing happens."

In the wake of the recent tragic events in Orlando, I, Wayne LaPierre, would like to reiterate one simple fact: guns don’t kill people–people kill people. And so, even in the wake of mass shootings, I sleep soundly and there is no blood on my hands.

In a completely unrelated side note, I have not been able to reach sexual completion in over two decades.

A lot of people are blaming the NRA for our work on behalf of constitution-loving Americans who want to protect the second amendment. And to them I say: yes, I work tirelessly to make sure that guns like the Sig Sauer MCX can stay in the hands of civilians–-even civilians on the terrorist watch list. And to them I also say: for over twenty years my penis gets hard and nothing happens.

The problem in Orlando wasn’t guns. It was radical islamic terrorism. And homophobia. And mental illness. Guns had nothing to do with this deranged madman’s desperate act. And also? I constantly have at least some version of an erection but my semen won’t leave my body, no matter how hard I try to get it out.

I promise each and every single gun-respecting American that I will continue to work tirelessly to protect their second amendment rights.

My wife doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. She cries herself to sleep every night, wondering when, if ever, intercourse will end in a sexual climax rather than in my pained screams as my testicles fill with sperm that rots away inside of me.

Once she’s asleep I quietly slip out of the covers, my aching genitals still throbbing, and put on my bathrobe. I grab my AR-15 from the gun rack and head out to the backyard. We live in rural Virginia, and there are woods as far as the eye can see. I set it up on the range I have rigged back there and fire off as many rounds as I can, screaming until my throat is hoarse and the pain in my penis has abated just enough so that I can slip back upstairs and sleep soundly through the night.

What I would give for my penis to shoot out cum like a gun shoots out bullets. But it does not. It fires nothing. Not even blanks.

So don’t for one second say there is blood on my hands, unless you’re talking about the blood that occasionally seeps out of my engorged, desperate penis that cannot ejaculate for a reason that remains a complete mystery to me.

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