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Published February 13, 2014
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No significant other this year? No problem. Here are 51 surefire ways for single people to have a great time on Valentine's Day:
 
  • treat yourself to a nice dinner
  • enjoy a big glass of wine
  • listen to your favorite song
  • dance like nobody’s watching
  • realize your neighbor across the street is watching
  • quickly shut the blinds and put your clothes back on
  • figure the damage is done so you might as well leave your pants off
  • pour another glass of wine
  • imagine your smug neighbor telling his wife about what he just saw
  • hope their marriage fails
  • remember tonight is about you
  • relax and get comfy
  • top off your wine glass 
  • search for your favorite movie on Netflix
  • wonder how the fuck they don’t have Uncle Buck available to stream
  • realize you haven’t left the house or spoken to another human being all day
  • get online and search for any remaining video stores in your area
  • call the only remaining one and ask if they have Uncle Buck
  • read too much into the clerk’s “great choice” comment
  • sense a real connection there
  • hang up, giddy with excitement 
  • get ready to meet this sexy-voiced video store clerk who clearly gets you
  • change into a shirt that doesn’t have mustard stains all over it
  • grab your car keys
  • realize you’ve had at least nine glasses of wine and are in no shape to drive
  • head for the bus stop
  • pop into a nearby liquor store for a fresh bottle of wine
  • see that a box is not only cheaper per ounce but has a handle to carry it with
  • wait for your bus for over an hour, passing the time by thinking of Uncle Buck-related icebreakers you can use when you meet the clerk of your dreams
  • finally see the bus
  • be told by the driver that you must be wearing pants in order to ride
  • tell him you hope his marriage fails
  • sit down on the curb as the bus speeds away, assessing the situation while sucking directly from the little spigot on the box of wine
  • debate going home and putting on pants, but figure if all goes well with the video store clerk tonight, you won’t be needing pants anyway
  • start walking
  • arrive at the video store only to find that two-timing clerk helping someone else find a movie
  • freak the FUCK out
  • storm in there, swinging your wine box and demanding some fucking answers
  • get arrested for assault, indecent exposure and public drunkenness
  • stretch out in the back of the squad car because tonight is still about you
  • use your one phone call to have some 1-800-FLOWERS delivered to you at the station
  • cry for a while, wondering how that sexy clerk could do this to you
  • decide that no, you’re not gonna cry
  • stand up on your cot and begin loudly singing “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige, from the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack
  • dance like no one is watching
  • notice that several of the guards are watching and also screaming at you to get down
  • tell them that you’re through with shame and that tonight is all about joy
  • get brutally Tasered until you pass out
  • awaken hours later to a guard shaking you, your head throbbing and pants still missing
  • be told that the video store clerk has decided not to press charges and you’re free to go
  • head straight for that video store because this was clearly meant to be
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