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Published February 13, 2014 More Info »
2,224 Funny Votes
347 Die Votes
Published February 13, 2014
No significant other this year? No problem. Here are 51 surefire ways for single people to have a great time on Valentine's Day:   treat yourself to a nice dinner enjoy a big glass of wine listen to your favorite song dance like nobody’s watching realize your neighbor across the street is watching quickly shut the blinds and put your clothes back on figure the damage is done so you might as well leave your pants off pour another glass of wine imagine your smug neighbor telling his wife about what he just saw hope their marriage fails remember tonight is about you relax and get comfy top off your wine glass  search for your favorite movie on Netflix wonder how the fuck they don’t have Uncle Buck available to stream realize you haven’t left the house or spoken to another human being all day get online and search for any remaining video stores in your area call the only remaining one and ask if they have Uncle Buck read too much into the clerk’s “great choice” comment sense a real connection there hang up, giddy with excitement  get ready to meet this sexy-voiced video store clerk who clearly gets you change into a shirt that doesn’t have mustard stains all over it grab your car keys realize you’ve had at least nine glasses of wine and are in no shape to drive head for the bus stop pop into a nearby liquor store for a fresh bottle of wine see that a box is not only cheaper per ounce but has a handle to carry it with wait for your bus for over an hour, passing the time by thinking of Uncle Buck-related icebreakers you can use when you meet the clerk of your dreams finally see the bus be told by the driver that you must be wearing pants in order to ride tell him you hope his marriage fails sit down on the curb as the bus speeds away, assessing the situation while sucking directly from the little spigot on the box of wine debate going home and putting on pants, but figure if all goes well with the video store clerk tonight, you won’t be needing pants anyway start walking arrive at the video store only to find that two-timing clerk helping someone else find a movie freak the FUCK out storm in there, swinging your wine box and demanding some fucking answers get arrested for assault, indecent exposure and public drunkenness stretch out in the back of the squad car because tonight is still about you use your one phone call to have some 1-800-FLOWERS delivered to you at the station cry for a while, wondering how that sexy clerk could do this to you decide that no, you’re not gonna cry stand up on your cot and begin loudly singing “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige, from the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack dance like no one is watching notice that several of the guards are watching and also screaming at you to get down tell them that you’re through with shame and that tonight is all about joy get brutally Tasered until you pass out awaken hours later to a guard shaking you, your head throbbing and pants still missing be told that the video store clerk has decided not to press charges and you’re free to go head straight for that video store because this was clearly meant to be