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April 19, 2015

A comprehensive guide to marijuana by your crazy aunt.

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Hi everyone! As you may know 4:20 is the time of day when marijuana smokers celebrate Satan’s birthday (aka Satanmas). Please be careful out there!!!!!!! There will be hundreds of high criminals on the street doing illegal things and searching for unsupervised kids to force to do drugs. A lot of you may not know much about marijuana so I just wanted to educate you so you know what you’re up against. Please share with your coworkers and children!

What is marijuana?

Marijuana is a dangerous plant first grown by Satan in the Garden of Eden. He planted it early one morning before Adam and Eve woke up. Eve ended up smoking it and that’s what made her hallucinate a snake and eat the apple. To this day this is the main reason why bad things happen. I know this isn’t technically in the Bible but my friend Sherrie from the salon said she’s pretty sure this is what went down.

Why do people use marijuana?

Nowadays marijuana is a drug that is mostly smoked by people who really want to do crimes but are too afraid. When they smoke it they get super law-breaking strength and a demon in their brain that tells them to run red lights and steal things. My gal pal Sherrie told me that her nephew Travis started using it and now he listens to four or five rap music songs PER DAY.

What is the primary chemical in marijuana?

The main psychoactive ingredient in marijuana is called tetrahydrocannabinol. It’s a really complicated name, but actually has nothing to do with chemistry. Scientists named it “te-tra-hy-dro-can-na-bi-nol” because that’s the sound of the death rattle you make when you die from having too much marijuana smoke in your brain!

How do people use marijuana?

Smoking - if you light marijuana on fire it releases the evil souls trapped inside (they get trapped in there because the marijuana roots stretch all the way to Hell and suck them up). People breathe in the souls and this convinces them to do violence or sometimes even gay stuff. Sherrie once told me that if you yank a marijuana plant out of the ground you can hear it scream.

Vaporizing - this is similar to smoking, except you use a little computer to release the souls without catching them on fire (this way they’re stronger). Some people claim this is safer than smoking it but we know that computers are made by l*berals in C*lifornia so this method is probably even MORE dangerous.

Edibles - you can also cook marijuana into things like cookies. Weed heads do this so they can secretly feed drugs to kids to make them get bad grades and not listen to their parents. Sherrie said a drug dealer did this to Jonathan Taylor Thomas and it made him start stealing for fun and that’s why Home Improvement went off the air.

What are the neurological effects of marijuana?

The way marijuana works is it goes into your lungs and summons a tiny demon. The demon then swims through your bloodstream until he reaches your brain. Once he’s in there he goes into your memories and deletes good stuff and writes graffiti all over your nerve cells (words like “Kill”, “I Like Rap Music”, and “Gayness”).

Marijuana can catch your brain on fire even just from using it one time! Sherrie told me that she once had to throw water on her nephew Travis’ head because smoke was coming out of his ears from being so high.

“Medical” Uses

There are none. Some liberal and homosexual doctors say it can help with stuff like glaucoma or anxiety or pain and loss of appetite from chemotherapy but these are lies spread by the same people that want us to believe dinosaurs were real. If we start prescribing marijuana, what’s to stop doctors from prescribing other evil things like crack cocaine, vegan food, or gay porn? Sherrie says she’s been having night terrors ever since some states began legalizing it. I’ve always said, Sherrie’s greatest flaw is that she cares too much.

What are some other names for marijuana?

There are tons of different nicknames for marijuana. This is so drug dealers can secretly talk about it at their churches and places of work without you knowing. Here are the most common nicknames to look out for:

  • Weed
  • Pot
  • Reefer
  • Satan’s Lettuce
  • Death Parsley
  • Stinky Demon Garnish
  • Brain Destroyer
  • Travis’ Special Kill People Medicine
  • Rap Leaf
  • Green Cocaine
  • Gay Tobacco


Marijuana is grown like other plants except drug dealers water it with the tears of Tilikum, a sad whale my friend Sherrie says she learned about in a blog post about the movie Blackfish. Really evil drug dealers will even mix shredded l*beral campaign bumper stickers into the soil to make the marijuana extra-strong.

Are there different types of marijuana?

There are two types of marijuana plant: indica and sativa. Both are extremely dangerous and can kill you even just from looking at them too long.

Indica - known for their full-body, sedating effects. People who take these end up breaking laws from the comfort of their couch and prank calling preachers and reading scary rap lyrics to them.

Sativa - known for their uplifting, cerebral effects. People who take these get very excited and creative with their violence and law breaking. They might do something like graffiti a church with lots of bright colors or kiss someone of the same sex in broad daylight.

Where do people get marijuana?

People get marijuana from evangelical Satan worshippers that want to spread the devil to as many children as possible (aka Drug Dealers). Drug dealers are most commonly found masturbating in graveyards or lurking around rap concerts. Sherrie’s nephew Travis first started smoking marijuana when a drug dealer kidnapped him outside his school and made him smoke weed until he started wearing his baseball hat backwards.

How much does marijuana cost?

This is the scariest part. Marijuana is free. Sherrie says that drug dealers want to get people high so bad that sometimes they’ll even pay YOU to smoke it. This is how rap musicians get so rich.

Common Marijuana Paraphernalia

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Weed Flute - these are used to gather other marijuana lovers when someone wants to get high and break laws in a big group. They produce a whistle that only high people and gays can hear. True pot smokers won’t leave the house without one.


“Satan’s Telescope” - when pot-addicts get extra-high they point this glass telescope at the ground to try to see the devil.


Mouse Grinder - marijuana-heads get pleasure from torturing small animals. This device is used for grinding up mice and bugs for sport when weed addicts get bored from writing swear words in Bibles.

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Tiny Tissues - these are used by stoners to dry up their tears the day after they get high and realize all the bad and mean stuff they did. They are so small because weed-heads don’t cry that much because of all their brain damage.

I hope this was helpful guys! PLEASE be safe out there today. If you see a drug dealer or weed-head call the police IMMEDIATELY so that they can shoot them! God bless!