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Published January 30, 2009
TGBIG = Thank God Blagojevich is Gone!

* It's official, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, has been impeached. He made a last-ditch appeal to stay in office saying the trial was "unfair" and "a sham." He recently compared himself to Martin Luther King, saying, "I have a dream... that one day corruption and small woodland creatures can live in harmony inside of my hair."


* President Barak Obama put an end to a coat-and-tie dress code in the Oval Office. He also implemented a business casual dress code for weekends.

Sources close to one White House official say, "USA Spirit week will include, hat day, dress as your favorite NBA star day and dress like a thug day. If he didn't already have my vote, this alone would have sold me. I heard he is also going to put a soda&cigarette machine in the lunch room. I can't wait!"


* A British mother has been given a suspended sentence after her toddler was filmed smoking a cigarette.

Sources close to the toddler say, "I asked for a pony for Christmas, but got a pack of ciggies instead. Mom said if I intend to aspire to be the next Marlboro man, I'd have to master smoking first, and then I could have my pony."


* Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania, conducted a study that states, juveniles with unpopular names are more likely to engage in criminal activity.

Sources close to this reporter say, "Clearly they forgot to look at common names such as John (Wayne Gacy) and Jeffery (Dahmer) David (Berkowitz) Charles (Manson) Ted (Bundy). Eat it Shippensburg."


* Aretha Franklin is still beating herself up about her inauguration performance.

Sources close to the president say, "She should be pissed about choosing that larger-than-life-sized Aunt Jemima hat."


* A 4-year-old Australian girl who was thrown from a 190-foot bridge by her father has died.

Sources close to the piece of shit who threw the child, claim he never even gave her the, "Do not make me pull this car over!" warning.

Sources close to Australian inmates say, "We are gonna have a gay old time with this bloke."


* Billy Powell, keyboard player for Lynyrd Skynyrd, died Wednesday.

Although he survived the 1977 plane crash that killed three band members, sources close to Final Destination IV say, "It took us 32 years to track him down, but you can't cheat death forever."


* Two New Zealand prisoners were handcuffed together when they fled a courthouse. They attempted to escape together but foiled their own getaway when they ran to opposite sides of a light pole, slamming into each other and falling to the ground.

Sources close to the two jail birds report hearing the men argue saying, "I told you to say bread and butter, you asshole!"
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