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September 11, 2017

The most dangerous game isn't Man. It is Car.

I’ve hunted everything. I’ve harpooned walruses in the frozen arctic. I’ve shot elephants on the Serengeti. I once torpedoed a blue whale. I’ve even hunted the hardest target, Man. But the most dangerous game is, without a doubt, beating up a car like in that Street Fighter 2 bonus level.

Hard Target.jpg

Man might be the Hardest Target, but it is not the Most Dangerous Game, not by a long shot

I remember the first time I successfully hunted a car. My manservant Gregor and I spotted the perfect specimen: a 1991 Acura Legend. We stalked it across the concrete jungle of Los Angeles until we cornered it in a parking lot. I then crept up on the glorious vehicle and assaulted it with a flurry of light, medium, and heavy punch and kick attacks. Afterwards, Gregor shouted, “Perfect!” due to the flawless manner in which I beat the car up. I now proudly display its bumper in my trophy room along with my many deer antlers, elephant tusks, and man penises.

trophy room.jpg

My trophy room, with my first car bumper on the mantle. Not pictured - the trophy penises of the men I’ve hunted (my friends all said it was super fucked up and weird to display them)

Many big game hunters might read this and assume they too have what it takes to conquer Car. Before you run off and smash yourself against the windshield of your prey, consider the strategy you must employ. Do you have the endurance to methodically punch and kick the upper left area of the car, then the upper right area of the car, and then the bottom half of the car, until it is nothing but a carcass of twisted metal? Do you have the speed to take out a car in 40 seconds? Because that’s how fast you have to do it. And finally, do you have the steely resolve to stare down the hapless owner of the car when he sees what you’ve done to his automobile, collapses to the ground, and sobs, “Oh, my car!”

Now, before all you bleeding hearts inundate me with messages and comments about how barbaric hunting and beating up cars is, consider the good it does. True, the cars suffer horribly at my deadly hands and feet, but for every car I destroy a new one must be built to replace it, ensuring the car population stays strong and automakers always have a job. So, my slaying of vehicles is really a good thing. You might even call me a hero… if it weren’t for all those men I hunted before I moved on to cars.