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January 20, 2017
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Turn off that computer and hit someone with it.

From the desk of former First Lady Michelle Obama:

My fellow private citizens,

By now, you’ve probably seen the video Barack and I made about our post-White House plans. But there is one more recommendation for action I’d like to add.

After spending 8 years in the White House as First Lady, I learned a few things about America. It’s filled with some of the greatest, nicest, most caring people on the planet. It possesses the ability to change for the better and, more often than not, does just that. It has exactly 50 states, a number I always thought was just a rough estimate. However, the most important thing I learned about our country is its biggest enemy: cyber-bullying.

Cyber-bullying takes many forms. It could be nasty comments about someone on Facebook. Attacking someone’s character with lies and defamation on Twitter. Sending someone hurtful messages. It can even be as severe as hacking into someone’s computer or phone in order to cause harm.

An easier way to sum up cyber-bullying: it’s basically anything that Donald Trump is associated with.

Some may say combatting cyber-bullying requires stricter internet restrictions and teaching cyber-bullies compassion, but I don’t believe that’s true. The only way to fight cyber-bullying is promoting good old fashion punch-you-in-the-face regular bullying!

If instead of Tweeting at Donald Trump and writing mean blogs about him, someone just kicked him straight in the cock, he would have learned his lesson and crawled back to his golden apartment a defeated man-child.

The reason why cyber-bullies use the internet is because they’re physically weak and scared of actual confrontation. We must take advantage of their weaknesses!

When my daughters Sasha and Malia were being sent disgusting Facebook messages from schoolmates, I immediately enrolled them in Muay Thai classes. One month and one back-alley brawl later, my daughter’s tormentors weren’t sending any messages. Except maybe to their nurses for more painkillers, which thanks to Obamacare they were able to receive practically free.

Fighting works, and in a melting pot like America, where so many foreign fighting styles are available to learn and master, a citizen is doing a disservice to themselves if they don’t learn Judo or Karate and beat the hell out of the neighborhood jerk acting like a tough guy on Tumblr.

America is quickly turning into a country of sissies behind screens, but not on my watch! Now that I’m free from the duties of being First Lady, the main duty being not to encourage people kicking each other’s asses, I’m going to spread the gospel of physical bullying.

How will I do this? Simple:

  • I’ll be visiting middle schools and high schools across the country, telling children to punch out of the internet and punch into the faces of their enemies.
  • I’ll set an example by practicing what I preach. Whoever sends me or a member of my family a disparaging email or message, I will find them. I will shove them into a locker (I’ll bring one of the many lockers I own). I will push that locker down a long hill. If they have glasses, I will break their glasses. If they don’t have glasses, I will break their eyes. I will be a pro-bullying role model.
  • If I see you on a electronic device, I will smash it. I don’t care if it’s a dialysis machine.
  • I will continue strengthening my arms.
  • I will release my new book, How To Cyber-Bully. When someone opens it, it will spray acid onto them, just like any schoolyard bully would do.

With me at the helm, punching people out left and right, I know America can thwart this cyber-bullying epidemic. Just like I know there are exactly 50 states. 50 glorious, kick-you-in-the-balls states.

Watch your backs,

Michelle Obama

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